Sunday, November 30, 2008

Iron John

I love this story. It has metallic big-foots, Midas-Touch ponds, and disguised princes. Here it is, the story of:

Iron John (The Brothers Grimm)

A king is troubled when his huntsman begin dissappearing. He finds out there is a giant living in the forest nearby with skin made of iron and iron hair covering his entire body.


The king has the Iron Giant captured and puts it in a large steel cage. No one is to release him under penalty of death.


The King's little son is playing with his gold ball one day, when it falls into the cage. The boy asks for it back and the giant (Iron John) says he will if the Prince frees him. After three days like this, the boy steals the key from under his mother's pillow and frees the giant. The giant gives him his ball, but the Prince decides it wasn't worth it and asks Iron John if he can go with him. John replies yes.

Is this so smart? Going to live with the possible villian? Actually, in this story... it is!

John raises the Prince in the forest as his own son. His only rule is that the Prince make sure nothing touches the Sacred Pool in the centre of the forest. One day, as the Prince is watching the Pool, he cuts himself and mindlessly washes his finger in the pond. Instantly, the skin on his finger turns into thin gold.

I'm no doctor, but that can't be good.

John tells him it's okay but he should be more careful. The next day, as the Prince watches the Pool, one of his hairs falls off into the Pool as he scratches his head. The hair instantly becomes a gold thread. John scolds him.

He should sell the hair.

The next day, he trips and nearly falls in. Only his hair hits the water, and as he leans away from the water, where his long hair was, is a nest of spun gold growing from his gilded scalp.

Awesome. I'd kill him for it.

John tells him that because of this, the Pool is polluted badly, and that he and the Prince must go their seperate ways. The Prince goes to a faraway castle and gets work in the garden. He never takes his hat off, not wanting anyone to know about his hair. One day, the princess asks him to get her some flowers. He gets some wildflowers and gives them to her. The princess asks him to take his hat off, and he refuses, but she takes it off, and it amused to see the mop of gold stream down over his face. She gives him a handful of golden coins.


The Prince gives the money to the gardener and tells him to let his children play with them.


This happens two more times. Later, the city is put under seige by a dark army. The Prince goes to the Pool, bathes in it, and prays. John comes to him with a gold horse, gold uniform, and an entire army of...

Wait for it!

IRON soldiers. The Prince and his army defeat the enemy and are highly praised until they disappeared into the forest. The Prince, dressed as a peasant again, comes back to the palace.

I think he secretly envies Aschenputtel and Cinderella, since they got to dress up for a while and then secretly become peasants again, astounding everyone.

The King decrees there will be a three day festival, and that the princess will throw a golden ball into the air every evening. Any knight who catches it will be given a third of the kingdom after the King's death. The Prince, with help from John, comes to the festival every night dressed in golden armor. The first two days he catches the ball, but runs off right after.

Yay! Go Prince!

The King is angry and decrees that if the Golden Knight does this again, he will be hunted down and killed.

No!!! Hide, Prince!!! Hide!!!

The third day, the Princess throws up the ball, and the Prince catches it and rides away, but the King's Men wound his leg. The next day, the gardener tells the princess that the Prince who worked in the garden had showed the gardener's children three golden balls. The King had the Prince brought before him when he heard this. The Princess removed his cap, and his golden hair streamed down, making him look just like the Handsome Golden Knight.

The mystery solved!

The Prince and Princess are married, and at the wedding, a King, dressed all in iron with a long, shaggy mane of iron-like hair under his iron crown, walked in, and gave his adopted son the Prince a good hug and his blessing.

By the description I just gave, I better not have to explain.

Everyone lived happily ever after.

Aschenputtel (Ash Face)

I ran across this story while researching variants of Cinderella. Trust me. There are millions of variants of Cinderella. Like, every single culture there is has their own fifty variants.

But here it is. The story of:

Aschenputtel (Ash Face) (The Brothers Grimm)

A kind girl's mother dies and is buried under the hazel tree in the garden, which from then on is always in bloom.

Already we have Thing I Love #1: Magic Tree. Awesome.

The girl's father remarries and her new stepmother and two stepsisters are jealous of her beauty and grace and kindness.

Thing I Love #2: Obvious Hatred.

The stepsisters steal the girl's room and stuff. They force her to sleep in the put-out hearth every night, causing her to be stained head to toe with ashes. The stepfamily mocks her by calling her Aschenputtel. Her father doesn't care.

Thing I Hate #1: Her stepsisters abuse her and her own dad actually encourages it.
Also, Aschenputtel means Ash Face.

The stepmother forces Aschenputtel to do all the cooking and cleaning and work around and even outside the house. Her dad still doesn't care. One day, it is proclaimed that the King's Son is throwing a grand three-day ball. Aschenputtel is forced to bathe, dress, and accessorize her sisters. She asks her stepmother if she can go, and get's the answer, "I have emptied two dishes of lentils into the ashes for you, if you have picked them out again in two hours, you shall go with us."

I'm quoting that directly from the book, you know.

Aschenputtel goes to her mothers grave and prays, and whole flocks of birds fly down and do Aschenputtel's task. The stepmother doesn't care, yells at Aschenputtel that she should be ashamed of herself, and leaves to the first night of the ball with her daughters.

Thing I Hate #2: Evil Stepmother Breaks her Promise.

Aschenputtel starts to cry, and goes out to the grave and prays, "Shiver and quiver, little tree, Silver and gold throw down over me." Instantly, she finds herself clothed in silver and golden dresses and wearing slippers of silver and silk.

Thing I Love #3: See Thing I Love #1.

At the ball, Aschenputtel is unnoticed, and the Prince dances with her and no one else the entire night. Then, when the Prince tries to walk her home, she desserts him and hides in the pigeon house.

Thing I love #4: Hot Girl playing Hard-To-Get.

The Prince tells Aschenputtel's father everything, but when they search the pigeon house, Aschenputtel isn't there, since she had quickly gone out the back, changed clothes, and gotten back in the house by the fire, making it look like she couldn't have been the mysterious princess.

Smart girl!

The next night of the ball, everything happens as before, and Aschenputtel goes in a more beautiful dress. When the Prince tries to walk her home, she hides in the paer-tree, but when it's searched, she isn't found. Aschenputtel, dirty and ragged again, is on the hearth again, having done the same as before.

Smart, Smart Girl!!!

The last night of the ball, everything happens as before, and Aschenputtel goes to the ball in an even more beautiful dress and golden slippers. The prince dances with her all night, and when he tries to walk her home, she runs from him quickly, but the Prince had smeared the last step of the staircase down with glue, and one of Aschenputtel's slippers falls off and sticks.

Ah-ha! A plan!

The Prince comes to Aschenputtel's house the next day with the slipper, to try it on any girl living there. The stepsisters...

If you are squemish, please go to another story post. If not, get ready for the grossest thing you will ever hear.

...cut off their heels so that they can fit the slipper.


The first stepsisters tries and succeeds. But as she and the Prince ride off, the birds sing to him to notice there's blood inside the shoe, and he takes the shoe away and kicks the stepsister off his mighty steed. The next sister tries, succeeds, but the Prince hears the bird and sees the blood and kicks this sister off the horse, too. And I quote: "This also is not the right one," said he, "have you no other daughter." "No," said the father, "there is still a little stunted kitchen-wench which my late wife left behind her, but she cannot possibly be the bride."

Hello, you **** ***. That wench is your biological daughter!

Aschenputtel tries the shoe...

I hope they at least cleaned the blood out.

...and it is a perfect fit!


As Aschenputtel rides off into the sunset with the Handsome Prince Charming on his Mighty Steed, two white doves alight on Aschenputtel's shoulders. The two stepsisters chase after Aschenputtel to try and gain her favor, and...

Wait for it!

...the doves peck at her sisters violently.

So everyone, except the newly blind stepsisters, lived happily ever after.

Though I beleive Aschenputtel's father deserves a kick in the shin.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Aladdin and his Wonderful Lamp

I felt I should upload this one so people could tell the real version from the Disney version.

So here's the story of:

Aladdin And His Wonderful Lamp (The 1001 Arabian Nights)

A boy named Aladdin lives with his poor mother in Baghdad.

Thing I Love #1: In "1001 Nights", pretty much everyone lives in Baghdad!

Aladdin is a lasy gambler.

And he's the hero?

One day, a wizard from Morocco walks up to Aladdin and tells the boy he's his uncle. Aladdin takes the man home.

Didn't his mommy ever tell him not to talk to strangers?

The wizard summons a feast with his magic wand and Aladdin and his mom eat til they're full. The wizard takes Aladdin shopping and to etiquite school. Aladdin becomes a (as he probably calls it) "A sofistuh-muhcated noble".

I'm serious. Since he spent all his childhood gambling instead of being educated, he probably makes wood look like Einstein.

One day, the wizard takes him into the Sahara and shows him a rock.

Even though he's not that smart, he's probably thinking, "Uh, Uncle. Do I need to get a strag-ht jakket an' some very nice men with a very pig ned?" (I spelled that wrong on purpose)

The wizard says some weird words and the rock opens up, showing a big underground tunnel. The wizard tells Aladdin to go inside and get an old, dusty brass oil lamp for him.

If I were Aladdin I'd be backing away really slowly.

Aladdin goes inside and finds an orchard of trees bearing what he thinks are "glass apples and berries".

Told you he was dumb.

Aladdin fills his pockets with the jewels and finds the lamp. The wizard refuses to help him out of the tunnel unless he gives him the lamp first. Aladdin refuses.

I think Aladdin is sick. He just did something smart... Call the pediatrician!

The wizard angrily closes Aladdin inside. Aladdin, scared and confused, wrings his hand, hitting a ring the wizard gave him. A djinn appears, and asks him what he would like most right then. He wishes he was home. The djinn grants his wish.

In Arabian Legend, a djinn was an evil spirit tamed by King Solomon. Djinni (the plural form of djinn) were made of "fireless smoke" and when released from their lamp or ring would grant their new friend any wishes the friend wished before going free as a faery. The modern genie is an American inspiration of the Arabian Djinni.

At home, Aladdin shows his mother the jewels and the lamp. He tries to rub the dust off the lamp so he can try to sell it, and another djinn appears. Aladdin wishes he and his mother were filthy rich, and the djinn grants his wish.

Good Aladdin!

Years later, the now rich Aladdin falls in love with the Sultan's daughter, Badroulbadour, and sends his mother as an ambassador to the Sultan to bribe him with the jewels. Sadly, Badroulbadour is engaged to the Grand Vizir.

Badroulbadour. Try saying that 3 times fast. That is, if you can pronounce it. Also, Aladdin is sort-of a pervert since the first time he saw her she was entering the bath-house.

The Sultan says that in three months he will decide if Aladdin or the Vizir is marrying Badroulbadour. After only two months, Aladdin finds out Badroulbadour is just about to marry the Vizir.

If I were Aladdin I'd kick the Sultan in the shin. Or the nuts.

Aladdin has the Djinn put the Vizir in the cold that night, and has him bring Badroulbadour to his mansion that night. Badroulbadour is scared at first.

Not that I don't love a Cupid-and-Psyche scene, but the hero just became the kidnapper.

After a few nights like this, the Vizir has a fever and divorces Badroulbadour.

The kidnapper has won round 1.

The Sultan remembers Aladdin, but still doesn't care he broke his promise.

See the comment I put 2 comments above this one. The one about kicking the Sultan in the unmentionables.

Aladdin has the Djinn summon up forty pure gold vases filled with jewels carried by forty African slaves...

Ah ha! Racists in Baghdad!

...and forty white slaves all wearing the finest clothes. The Sultan is amazed when Aladdin gives him this as a present. He approves of Aladdin wedding the princess. Aladdin woos her.

The kidnapper has won Round 2.

In one day, Aladdin has the djinn create a palace of the finest marble and jewels, and a dome in the middle of the palace made of pure gold and silver with twenty-four diamond/ruby-encrusted windows, and around the palace are stables and grooms and horses and even a red carpet leading from Aladdin's palace to the Sultan's.

I forgot to mention that right before he had the palace built, Aladdin told the Sultan he was going to make a palace that could fit Badroulbadour's beauty. Awwww!

Aladdin and Badroulbadour move into their new palace and live happily ever after.

Just Kidding.

So right after the groom and bride move in, the wizard finds out after all these years that Aladdin isn't dead. And he also knows where Aladdin's new palace is.

Aladdin needs to take a long vacation very soon.

The wizard comes to town dressed as a peddlar and tricks Snow White into biting into the...

Oops! Wrong Story.

Dressed as a traveling salesman, the wizard goes to the palace shouting, "New Lamps For Old Lamps." Badroulbadour, knowing nothing about the magic lamp, and thinking it a deal, trades the magic lamp for a new, non-magic one.

I can't blame Aladdin for not telling her. "Honey, I love you, and the only reason I'm marrying you is because I had my tamed-demon-friend make me look like I'm rich."

At home, the wizard has the djinn send a tornado that bring Badroulbadour's palace, with her and her slaves and syuff in it, to Morocco. He tries to force Badroulbadour to marry him, saying Aladdin is dead.

Bad Djinn!

The Sultan threatens to kill Aladdin if he doesn't find Badroulbadour. Aladdin, stuck in the desert, rubs the ring, and the Ring Djinn appears and takes him to Badroulbadour's palace. Aladdin buys some poison from a nearby apothecary, and tells Badroulbadour what to do. Badroulbadour drugs the wizard's drink that night, he dies, Aladdin gets the lamp, and the Lamp Djinn takes him, Badroulbadour, and the palace back to Baghdad.

Aladdin has one round 3.

Except for the wizard, they all live happily ever after.

At least until the wizard's son comes along and tricks Badroulbadour into wanting a roc's egg, which for some unknown reason pisses off the Djinn. And I'm wondering if Aladdin did ever explain everything to Badroulbadour. Also, a roc is an Arabian-Mythological giant bird.

So there's the true story of Aladdin. Come back later for my next post:
Aschenputtel (Ash Face)

Obscure/Not-So-Obscure Fairy Tales By My Idol

My idol, Sarah Beth Durst, has been writing these funny fairy tale and commentary posts, which is what I'm basing mine on. She is my idol!!! Here are her recent fairy tale posts:

The Wishing-Table, the Gold Donkey, and the Cudgel-in-the-Sack (from the Brothers Grimm)
Jack My Hedgehog (from Andrew Lang's The Green Fairy Book)
Tatterhood (a Norwegian tale from Asbjornsen and Moe)
Molly Whuppie (an English tale)
The Juniper Tree (from the Brothers Grimm)
The Princess in the Chest (a Danish tale from The Pink Fairy Book by Andrew Lang)
The Tinderbox (from Hans Christian Andersen)
Godfather Death (from the Brothers Grimm)
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves (various)
The Devil with the Three Golden Hairs (from the Brothers Grimm)
The Magic Fishbone (from Charles Dickens)
Snow White and Rose Red (from the Brothers Grimm)
Sleeping Beauty and Her Children (from Italo Calvino's Italian Folktales)
Little Red Riding Hood (various)
Mother Holle (from the Brothers Grimm)
The Six Swans (from the Brothers Grimm)
The Seven Ravens (from the Brothers Grimm)
Tam Lin (from Francis James Child's ballads)
Jack-o'-Lantern (an Irish tale)
Thumbelina (from Hans Christian Andersen)
The Blue Belt

They are awesome!!!

Dedication/Ali Baba and the Forty Theives

Hi, everyone. I'm Jacob Dailes (P.S. Jacob's a stage name. I love the Brothers Grimm, so I just picked one and used his first name). I LOVE legends/myths/folklore from around the world. I love Sarah Beth Durst. So basically I'm a "myth-o-maniac".

Anyways... I was recently reading the Arabian Nights, and here's my summary/commentary of:

Ali Baba and the Forty Theives (The One-Thousand-and-One Arabian Nights)

Once Upon a Time... This poor guy named Ali Baba lives in Baghdad and has to cut wood to make a living.

I'm just wondering, how much did wood really cost back then.

One day, Ali Baba is lost in the forest, and ends up hiding in a tree when forty criminals appear from the edge of the forest and all gather in front of a rock.

In most versions of this story, Ali Baba leaves his donkey down on the ground. And somehow the theives don't notice that donkey braying and looking up in a tree.

As Ali watches, the leader shouts "Open Sesame"...

Not Sesame Street!

... and the rock explodes to reveal a cavern full of gold, precious metals, and jewels. The theives go in, put their treasure down, and leave. The leader shouts, "Close Sesame" and the rock miraculously reforms, covering the mouth of the treasure cavern. The theives run off to kill some more people and steal some more treasure.

Get out of there while you can, Ali!

Ali opens the cavern as the theives had, and packs up huge amounts of treasure, before closing the cavern and running home as fast as he can.

What happens when the police are looking for the treasure and find him with some. "Sir, where did you get this treasure?" "I found it in a magical underground room inhabited by forty robbers."

When Ali gets home and tells his wife what happened, she runs to their neighbor/Ali's brother Cassim's house, and borrows his "magic" measuring cup. Some honey drips on the bottom of the cup though, and as Ali and his wife are measuring their loot, a peice of gold sticks to the cup.

Oh no, Ali! Did I mention his brother is rich and greedy!

When Cassim discovers this, Ali is interrogated, and tells Cassim the whole story. Cassim goes to the cavern, fills his pockets, but while in the cavern, the rock some how re-materializes, and Cassim forgets the magic words. The theives soon arrive. They see Cassim's donkey and realize someone is there.

But they didn't see Ali's!

They go inside, kill Cassim, hack up his body, and hang it up outside as a warning to all tresspassers.

1. Cassim never thought to hide!
2. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!

Ali becomes worried when his brother does not return, and goes back to the cave. He lugs the body home and buries it.

Uh, hello Ali. Don't you think the thieves are going to notice that their bloody, hacked up victim is gone.

The theives notice that their bloody, hacked up victim is gone.

Told you!

The leader bribes a guy to find out who it is that took Cassim's body. Ali ends up the prime suspect. The leader goes to his house one day and marks his door with an X, intending to come back at night and... well, you can probably guess. Ali's best friend and maid, Morgiana, is the only one who notices this and marks an X on every door in Baghdad, confusing the theives that night.

Score one for the maid! Yay! Also, she's the only one who noticed!

The leader comes back another night with forty jars.

Hmm. Forty jars. Forty theives. Definitly no resemblence.

The leader tells Ali he is a merchant and that the jars are full of oil. Not theives. Oil. He's lying through his teeth.

Knew it! Also, I hope he's wearing a disquise.

Morgiana, still the only smart one in the family, discovers the trick, and turns the tables on the leader. She prepares a vat of burning oil and pours in each of the forty jars, killing the theives.

You're an idiot if you haven't caught on by now. Just sayin'.Also, Morgiana has two points now.

Then, Morgiana dresses up like a hot belly dancer, with a knife hidden in her cape. She dances in front of Ali and the leader, and pulls the leader up against her, stabbing him. He dies.

I guess I didn't really need to add that last sentence. Also, so far Morgiana has three points! We have the winner of the "Who's the Smartest Person in this Story" Contest!

Ali peices everything together, and rewards Morgiana with large sums of cash. Everyone lives happily ever after.

Except for the theives who are probably still on fire.

If you want to see my idol, Sarah Beth Durst's blog/website: