Saturday, December 27, 2008

Ricky of the Tuft

Disney's making a movie that will air 2011. I got a sneak at the opening credit.

It's based on the tale:

Ricky of the Tuft (By Perrault)

A witch tells a queen that her ugly baby boy will be the smartest guy in the world. The queen's still unhappy since her baby, Ricky, is ugly and has a huge tuft of hair growing on the top of his forhead.


At the same time, the same witch tells another queen that her beautiful baby daughter... my own words...

will make Paris Hilton look like Einstein. The queen is also informed that her ugly daughter will make vise-versa her sister's "gift".

In case you didn't catch that, Princess Ugly will make Einstein look like Paris Hilton.

Ricky and Princess Nothing-Upstairs both have the gift of giving/getting smartness or beauty to/from whoever they marry.

Do I really need to tell you who they marry?

One day Ricky and Princess Nothing-Upstairs, both now young adults, meet in a wood and talk.

Que the sappy romantic singing/dancing scene involving fluffy/feathered, dancing animals.

Ricky proposes, and right when Princess Nothing-Upstairs accepts, she becomes Princess A-Lot-Upstairs.


The Princess forgets Ricky, and after a year is walking in the forest when she finds an underground palace belonging to Ricky. Everyone is preparing for a wedding feast. The Princess remembers her engagement.

Talk about marital counseling.

Ricky appears, thinking the Princess is there for their wedding. Sadly, the Princess is now shallow, and tells Ricky she was younger when he proposed and now she's older and wiser. Ricky is ashamed because he sees she hates him because he's ugly.

He should kick her in the shin (I know, I have anger problems).

The Princess and Ricky fight, make-up quickly, and get married. Ricky turns into the hottest guy alive. They all live happily ever after.

See this post for a comment on this wacked-out type of ending.

The story ends saying that maybe Ricky didn't even grow beautiful at all, and that it was simply love that made the Princess see him as beautiful.

I wonder if Perrault was drunk when he wrote those lines. I mean, come on! So he's saying the fairy lied? And what about Princess Can't-Make-Up-Her-Mind-About-What-Kind-Of-A-Mind-She-Has? If the fairy lied, then she's still stupid, right? And everyone just loves her so much they're faking being able to understand what the crap she's saying? "Happily-Ever-After" needs therapists!

Thursday, December 25, 2008


The Myth of Persephone (A Greek Myth)

The plant goddess Demeter is out making the feilds lovely when she finds her daughter missing.

This reminds me of the opening to "The Brothers Grimm".

Demeter gets sad and doesn't let the trees and plants grow.

Talk about worried.

Demeter finds out that Persephone has been abducted by the Underworld god Hades, and is marrying him. She freezes the world into a little period of time scientists like to call "The Ice Age".

A bit harsh.

To be continued...

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Hello, People

I'm very sorry I haven't been posting for a while. I'm waiting for Christmas.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

The Pink

The Pink (By the Brothers Grimm)

A queen wishes for a child.

How many fairy tales start with this?!!

An angel comes and tells her she will have a child. She does. God gives him the power of receiving whatever he wishes for.

I'll kill him for the gift.

The evil cook steals him while the Queen is sleeping, and pours chicken blood all over her.


The cook accuses the Queen of feeding the baby to wild animals. She is locked up in a tower.

Instead of "Kiss the Cook" I'd make his apron read "Kick the Cook".

The cook makes the boy wish for a giant palace when the boy's old enough to speak.

Or maybe "Kill the Cook".

The cook becomes a lord, and the boy wishes for a hot playmate.

Yes, lots of ineuendo at the end of that sentence. Move along.

The boy grows to adulthood with the cook and his hot best friend. The cook, thinking the wishing boy might kill him, tries to threaten the girl to kill the wishing boy. She can't because she loves him.

Oooh! I smell romance!

She kills a deer instead and cuts out its heart and tongue for proof, and then has the wish boy hide.

What was she planning on doing? Having him hide forever? She must be one of those "beauty, no brains" kind of girls. What happens if he's found? I suddenly picture her saying that line from the FHFIF (Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends) episode AN (Adoptcalypse Now): "It's a Christmas Miracle!

Wish Boy figures out everything and turns the cook into a black-poodle-with-a-gold-collar-that-eats-burning-coals-until-he-burps-fire by wishing.


Then the boy turns his friend into a beautiful pink flower.

That's a reward?

He puts her in his pocket and goes to his dad's palace followed by the black/gold-fire-poodle-thingy. He visits mom by wishing for a ladder that can reach her window. She's been protected by angels the whole time. Then he tells his dad he's a hunter that can catch any thing. The king tells him to prove it. So the boy gets all the hunters of the land into one ginormous circle in the middle of the forest. He leaves one part of the circle open. Then he wishes.

Wait for it!

Then, two-hundred deer come flocking into the circle of big hunters with arrows and guns.

Do I even have to tell you what happens next?

The boy brings back the two-hundred dead deer and there's a feast. The boys reveals who he is to his dad. He turns the poodle-thingy back, and the cook is locked in the deepest, darkest dungeon for the rest of his life. The boy then reveals his beautiful flower, literally, and then figuratively. The court is astonished by his girlfriend's hotness.

In case you didn't get that 2nd to last sentence, it means he showed them the flower then changed her back.

The king and newly released queen die of joy.

See this post for a comment on this:

The Wishing-Boy and the Flower-Girl get married and live happily ever after.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

10 Things I Hate About Christmas

I am currently visiting my cousin Janie Bennett. You probaly know her as the wife of one of the biggest buisnessmen in PCB, FL. Hint: His name starts with "Nee-" and ends with "-L Bennett". Anyhow. I was just making a poem. Wanna hear.

10 Things I Absotively Posulutely Hate About the Holidays (By Me)

The top ten things I hate
About this famous holiday.
I wouldn't know where to start.
Wait, yes I can, because I'm smart.

#10 would have to be X-mas.
Where's the X from, it's called Christmas!
#9 would be Chris Kringle.
No offense, but what happened to King-Of-Kings, huh?!!

#8 would be the North Pole.
Not that it's not cute and all!
#7 would be the eight flying reindeer.
Could fantasy be any more queer?

#6 would be the green and red.
Aren't those, like, the colors of dread?
#5 is the toymaking elves.
Don't they ever fill the shelves?

#4 is the supposed "snow".
Why can't I ever have a go?
At making a snowman or throwing a ball?
Isn't it supposed to be fun and all?

#3 is the chilling cold.
Any more of that, I'll become an ice mold.
#2 is the fact that you can never
Get the present you really endeavored.

And now that I've told you all,
Let me tel you the worst of all.
At #1 I've got to say.
I simply love this holiday.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Rain/The Fairies

I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry I didn't post yesterday! It was raining hard, and all day my computer couldn't get any possible signal. Because of this, I was bored, and wrote this poem:

Rain, Rain, Go away!
Come again another year!
Or at least another day!
Or I'll rip my hair out, ear to ear!

As a bonus:

The Fairies; or Diamonds and Toads (By Perrault)

Once Upon a Time, this chic is always beaten up by her stepmom and stepsis because they hate her and the other members of her family are dead.

Wow. This definitely doesn't sound familiar.

The girl has to go to a well one day, and while there getting water, Jack fell down, and broke his...

Oops! Wrong story. Guess I was thiking rhymes sincethe book Perrault published his stories in was called Mother Goose Tales Of Long Ago.

An old woman comes up to her and asks for some water. The good girl gives her water, and the woman, really a fairy, blesses her. When the girl gets home, whenever she talks, diamonds and beautiful flowers fall out of her mouth.

Aren't diamonds, you know, sharp. How does she live through this kind of experience? I guess the flowers might lessen the impact as the diamonds bump against her throat.
Also, if I were the stepmother (this might make me sound mean), I'd have a surgeon take out the girl's vocal cords and sell them on e-Bay.

The stepmother sends her girl out to the well, hoping the same will happen, but this time the fairy's disquised as a princess, and the mean girl refuses her anything. The fairy curses her, and whenever she talks, snakes and toads come out of her mouth.


The stepmom plans to beat the good girl, who has escaped though into the forest. A young, handsome king finds her, falls in love with her, marries her, and they live happily ever after.

Except for the stepsis who is still in danger of dying by snake venom every time she coughs.

Bonus, Bonus:

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

And his reason for this is...?

Humpty Dumpty had a big fall,

Ah ha! The plothole large enough to drive a semi though!

All the king's horses and all the king's men,

Why the horses? How do they help put a broken, giant egg back together?

Couldn't put him together again.

Gory end to a child's rhyme. I propose a new holiday in honor of Humpty:
Giant Omelet Day!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The Ultimate Aesop Test

Time to see if you know anything about Aesop's Fables:

Put the answers in an e-mail and send it to me at:

1. In the fable, "Venus and the Cat," what happened to change Venus' mind about making the cat a woman?

A. The Cat/Woman ate a bird alive.
B. The Cat/Woman played with some yarn.
C. The Cat/Woman chased a mouse.
D. The Cat/Woman licked her master.

2. In the fable, "The North Wind and the Sun," which part of nature won the bet?

A. The North Wind.
B. The Sun.
C. The Moon.
D. The North Star.

3. In "The Fir and the Bramble," what was the moral?

A. Slow and Steady wins the race.
B. Honest is the best policy.
C. The best ideas are usually the ones that are impossible.
D. Don't boast, because you will eventually learn a big lesson.

4. In "The Lazy Housemaids," which farm animal was killed?

A. Rooster.
B. Bull.
C. Chicken.
D. Deer.

5. In "Brother and Sister," which family member was vain?

A. Brother.
B. Sister.
C. Father.
D. Mother

Okay, well that's all folks.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Only You/The Fox and the Crane

This video is the funniest thing ever!

I wanted to post this fable:

The Fox and the Crane (By Aesop)

A fox invites a crane/stork over for dinner.

Um, he's a fox. Shouldn't Crane/Stork be thinking that, "Hey, want to come over for dinner," means, "Hey, wanna be eaten alive?"

Crane/Stork comes over, but discovers that the soup is being served on flat china.

Mean Fox. Pssst, the reason that's mean is that, in case you didn't know, storks and cranes have long, thin, pointy beaks.

Crane/Stork invites Fox for dinner, and when he comes, she serves the soup in huge, thin jars, making her able to eat, but not Fox, who has a short snout.

Technically, that has to do with giving, since he GOT his just desserts.

Here's my fave version of this fable:

You've heard how Fox treated Crane

With Soup on a plate; When again

They dined, a long bottle

That suited Crane's throttle,

And Fox licked the outside in vain.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

My e-Book

My e-Book is going to be published!!!

To see it click on ME! :)

December/The Magic Paintbrush

Since, according to my calender, it's December now, and December is the Holiday season, I will from now until January be uploading fables on giving. You know. Giving. The main theme of Christmas. A part of the holiday season. In fact, ONE of the holidays of the holiday season. Any hoo.

The Magic Paintbrush (A Chinese Myth)

A little boy named Ma-Liang wants to be a painter when he grows up. But he's poor, so he cannot afford a brush.

How much were brushes back then?!!

One night, he dreams that an old man gives him a brush, and tells him to paint from his heart.


When he wakes up Ma-Liang finds the brush beside him. He paints a rooster, and all of a sudden, the drawing practically comes to life.

Wow! If he paints that good then he should become an artist.

The rooster hops off the page and goes into a nearby farmyard.

Can I borrow that paintbrush. I'd like to gives my house some decorating.

Later, Ma Liang happens upon some fishermen who are poor like him and haven't caught anything. He draws fish on the floors of their boats, and the fish become real. A goatherder's goats have been stolen, so Ma-Liang draws him another herd. A farmer doesn't have a cow to help him plow, so Ma Liang draws him one. In this fashion, Ma Liang helps people.

He needs a theme song. He's like a super hero. I can imagine it now: It's a bird! It's a plane! And now Artist-Boy is drawing a dog!

The evil Emporer hears of Ma Liang's brush, and commands him to paint a mountain of gold. Ma Liang refuses, and is put in prison. That night, he draws a door and leaves the prison.

I totally saw that coming. A monkey with only 1/4 a brain could have seen that coming.

The Emporer hunts down Ma-L. and commands him to paint the mountain. Out in the middle of the ocean, Ma L. draws an island made enirely of gold. The Emporer gets on a ship and begins going to the island. Ma L. draws a tidal wave that pushes the ship into a whirpool Ma L. also drew as the boat is returning.

Smart kid.

Ma L. runs away to a far way land, where he gets a job for the emporer painting dragons. He never dotted the dragons eyes, for the thought that they would become real if he finished them. From then on, whenever a peice of art looking unfinished, it would be said in China, "Wa Lawng, Dohn Jhin", meaning, "Draw Dragon, Dot Eyes".

Wow. So he even got a saying.

Hot Chocolate

I just ran across this supremely awesome recipe:

Mexican Hot Chocolate

A chocolate bar, real vanilla bean, and cinnamon sticks make this hot cocoa recipe extra special. Delicioso! ( may want to have some extra chocolate bars around in the event of accidental snacking).

This recipe requires a watchful eye, because it may require sharp tools or hot pans.

This recipe contains one or more of the following common food allergens: dairy, nuts, soy, wheat, or eggs.

Try this recipe at your next party. Double the ingredients or divide them in half, depending on the size of your celebration.

Servings: 6
Prep Time: 10 min.


3 oz. chocolate bar (dark or bittersweet)
3 cups milk (skim milk is not recommended)
1/4 cup granulated sugar
1 vanilla bean (split down the center)
1 cinnamon stick
Pinch salt
Miniature marshmallows, for serving
6 Kellogg's Cocoa Krispies Cereal Straws, for serving


To get started, break the chocolate bar into small pieces. Add the chocolate bar to a pan. Measure out the milk and cup of sugar. Add to the pan. Use a spoon to scrape the sticky seeds from the vanilla bean. Add to the pan, along with the cinnamon stick. Add a pinch of salt and place the pan on the stove. Heat the ingredients under low heat, stirring constantly with a whisk to avoid burning, until chocolate is melted. Be careful not to burn the milk. Carefully pour the chocolate mixture into each mug. Your can add three or four miniature marshmallows and a Cereal Straw to each mug before serving.

Nutrition Info:

Calories --- 200
Fat --- 7 grams

Because of the "nutrition", I recomend this as a once every thousand years experience.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

The Rabbit's Bride

I ran across this funny story while reading "Household Tales: By the Bros. Grimm" this morning.

The Hare's Bride (from the Brothers Grimm)

Once Upon a Time, a girl is told by her mother to go shoo away a rabbit that's eating their lettuce. This happens three times...

There it is again! The famous 3!!!

...and finally the girl agrees to go with the rabbit to his cave.

What? What did she do? Did I miss a page? I MUST have missed something!

The rabbit forces her to marry him, and she's angry at the wedding. All the rabbit family comes.

My friends, Jake and Willy Grimm, are way too subtle to say it, but Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, Piglet, Eeyore, Kanga, and Roo also came to Rabby's wedding.

The girl's bored, and makes a dummy that looks like her, puts it in her place, and goes home.

Rabbit's been Punk'd!

Rabbit comes to check on his new wife, and when she won't listen to him or talk to him, he hits her. The girl, really the dummy, falls over. Rabbit thinks he's accidentally killed her.

Bad Girl! Also, I can imagine seeing a rabbit with a long, full bag over his shoulder, digging a secret grave over by an old, deserted road. Hm!

So there's the odd story of the Rabbit's Bride, a regect episode from "The Adventures of Winnie The Pooh".

Friday, December 5, 2008

Hello, Peoples of America

Please subscribe to my newsletter! I'm begging you! (The instructions for doing that are at the left)

I recently did three awesome things!

Okay. "Awesome" is an understatement. Like a The-Beast-Was-Furry kind of understantment. A Cinderella-was-definitly-not-a-tomboy kind of understatement. Snow-White-had-mental-problems kind of understatement.


* Finished my e-Book "Psyche".
* Filed a legal restraining order against a classmate.
* Finished the script for my first edition of "Grimm".

The first edition of it is two of the Grimm Bros fairy tales:

Aschenputtel and Frau Hulda.

Aschenputtel is live action, but Frau Hulda is stop-motion. And the most fanta-bul-osti-cash-ous thing is that...

Wait for it!

Frau Hulda is done!!!

And because of this...

Get ready for it:



Of Joy.

And Supreme Happiness.

Sarah Beth D., if you're reading this (I hope you are) go to the next post down. I answered your comment there. Also, everyone, check out all my posts!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

The Clinking, Clanking Lowesleaf

The Clinking Clanking Lowesleaf (I have no idea who wrote it)

Once Upon A Time... a king sets out on a trip and asks his three daughters what they would like to have as a gift on his return. The youngest asks for a Clinking, Clanking Bell, or Lowesleaf.

I'm just guessing on the bell thing. If you know what a lowesleaf is, please tell me before I make the movie based on this tale.

The king can't find the bell-thingy and as going home depressed, he comes upon a giant black poodle-looking thing. It tells him that in return for his daughter he'll give him the bell. The king agrees.

Uh, hello! She's you daughter for 1! And 2, you're getting it for her! If you don't have her, how do you give it to her!

In a year, the poodle-dog-beast comes. After a series of odd events, the young princess goes with the dog. She crawls onto his back and eventually falls asleep. When they get to his home, he puts her in the little bedroom, and she wakes p alone the next morning. A beggar lady appears and tells her that the dog is really an enchanted prince, and tells her what to do, and that night, even though the dog begs her sweetly and gently to let her in, but she refuses.

Anyone who knows fairy tales can hear the alarm bells: don't obey the witch! But the Thing I Love about this story is: the girl's right.

The next night the dog begs so sweetly and gently, the girl almost consents. But she doesn't. The third night, she almost consents, but doesn't. The dog falls asleep. The girl grabs his fur and throws it into the fire. He goes crazy.

I can see how ripping off his doghood could peeve him off.

In a fiery blast of exitement and light, the hut becomes a castle, the forest a village, the animals villagers, and the dog a handsome Prince, finally free from the enchantment that had hypnotized him. The witch comes to the wedding, there's lots of fun, and every one lives happily ever after.

At least in this story they tell what happens to the magic helper.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

King Thrushbeard

King Thrushbeard (By the Brothers Grimm)

Once Upon A Time... there's this hot but spoiled princess who insults everyone, including a handsome suitor with a pointy chin. She teases him by calling him, "King Beakbeard", or "King Thrushbeard". Her father, sick of it, declares that the next man she insults will be her husband.


The next day, the princess insults an ugly musician. The next day he takes her to the countryside as his new wife.

Okay, now it's a bit harsh.

She has to weave baskets, but cuts herself with the material and has to go sell pottery.


She refuses to set up by the "filthy peasants" and sets up in the middle of the road.

Um, does she have anything upstairs?

A drunk soldier rides through her stand and crushes the pottery. She has to take a job in the palace kitchen, and finds out that the palace belongs to King Thrushbeard. She finally humbles herself, and one day has to clean the halls during a wedding feast for the King.

She could be marrying him if she had been humble before.

The King comes in and takes her into the ball room. There, she tries to escape, but he reveals that the musician was really him in disguise. He did it all to humble her. She tries to run again, knowing that with all he'd done, she isn't worthy to marry such a good and determined man. But he holds her tight, they are married, and live happily ever after.

Good fable.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The Devil And His Grandmother

The Devil And His Grandmother (By the Brothers Grimm)

Once Upon A Time, there is this huge war, and the captain of this army doesn't pay his soldiers. Two soldiers, tired of being nearly killed just to be paid nothing a day, abandon camp, kidnapping the drummer boy, since he threatened to squeal on 'em.

You see, there's an entire awesome chase scene implied in these simple actions. I'm picturing snow mobiles and jumping from planes with a screaming boy and the cursing captain and helpers closing in on them.

The tired soldiers camp in a cornfield intending to escape at dawn. But the next morning, they find that they are surrounded by their comrad soldiers.

I'm thinking their plan had a few flaws.

The soldiers stay their three days, and are extremely hungry.

Understatement of the Year.

Suddenly, Beelzebub appears and gives them a magic whip saying that in three years he would come back and ask them some riddles and if they don't answer them right, their souls are his. Then he transports them into a far away village.

Okay, the big scene was much longer than how I summarized it. PS. Beelzebub is the Jewish Prince of Hell. Basically the Devil's best friend.

The three soldiers take turns using the magic whip. Every time they use it, a pound of cash appears in front of them.

Could I please borrow that whip?

Right before the three years are up, Beelzebub comes back to the soldiers and reminds them of the deal they had. The drummer boy, still the smartest of the group, goes down to Hell. There he meets Beelezebub's grandma.

I love the idea of a demon's grandmother as a character. What does she think of her grandson's occupation? Does she boast about him to the ladies at the senior center? Does she still have the crayon drawings that he did in preschool? Does she knit him embarrassing sweaters for the holidays? (Do any grandmothers actually do that outside of novels?)

The grandmother is sweet and tells the boy to hide in the cellar. At noon, Beelzebub comes home and Granny asks him about the riddles. He tells Granny the answers, and the drummer boy eavesdrops. When Beelzebub goes to bed, the boy goes back home. When Beelzebub comes and gives the riddles, the boy answers and answers correctly. The soldiers, happy they beat the Demon Prince, whip up cash until the earth spews golden magma.


They all live happily ever after.

Except Beelzebub, who is plotting revenge on the soldiers' descendents.

Little Red-Cap

Little Red Cap (By Charles Perrault)

Once upon a time... Mom says to Little Red Cap, "Your grandma is sick. Bring her cookies. Don't leave the path. Don't talk to strangers."

I can't help but think that Mommy-Red could have explained the reason behind her rules. Perhaps something like: "Don't talk to strangers or they'll EAT you."

Little Red says, "Yes, mother," and skips merrily into the forest.

Is this good parenting? Sending one's daughter to skip merrily through a wolf-infested forest? Seems to me a bit like the medieval equivalent of "go play in traffic."

In the forest, a wolf sees Little Red and says, "Yummy." He isn't referring to the cookies. "Little girl," he says. "Where are you going?"

Yes, yes, lots of innuendo here. Move along.

Little Red says, "Grandma's house. Here, I'll show you a map."

Okay, maybe she doesn't have a map, but in some variants, the kid describes all the landmarks en route to Granny's house. Clearly, McGruff the Crime Dog didn't visit her preschool.

Wolf thinks, Grannies make nice appetizers. I'll eat her first and then Little Red. Out loud, he says, "Don't you want to pick flowers?"

Why not eat Little Red now and Grandma after and skip all the PJ-wearing? Why does the wolf care so much about the order of his meals? Is he one of those fussy eaters who won't eat his peas if the mashed potatoes are touching them?

"Sure," Little Red says. She leaves the path to pick flowers.

Little Red is weak in the Force.

Wolf runs to Grandma's house, eats Grandma, and then dresses in her clothes.

This is such an odd plan. I mean, he's a wolf, right? Couldn't he just, you know, hide behind the door and pounce? I think he secretly envies Cinderella's mice who get to wear cute little outfits all the time.

Eventually, Little Red arrives at Grandma's house. She sees the wolf in Grandma's clothes and says, "Ah-ha, imposter! Have at thee!" And she draws her sword and...

Fine, fine, that totally doesn't happen in, like, any version of this story. But wouldn't it be awesome if it did?

Little Red says, "My Grandma, your arms are huge.

"Isn't this kind of a personal remark? Perhaps in addition to "don't talk to strangers", Mommy-Red should have said, "Don't insult your grandmother's physique."

"All the better to hug you with, my dear."

Really, this is a very polite response to a bratty remark.

"Grandma, your ears are huge."And hairy."All the better to hear you with, my dear."

Sesame Street has the best explanation for Little Red that I've ever seen. Their Little Red Riding Hood simply thinks everyone is Grandma. She greets Elmo with a hug and a cry of "Grandma!"

"Grandma, your eyes are huge."

I suppose you could say that Little Red isn't unobservant -- she just doesn't like to leap to conclusions.

"All the better to see you with, my dear."

Maybe she is trying to be polite and is simply dancing around saying, "Granny, I think you're a wolf."

"Grandma, your teeth are huge."

Or maybe she's just an idiot.

"All the better to eat you with, my dear!"

Does it say bad things about me that I always want to cheer at this line?

And the wolf eats her.

Yummy. In this version by Perrault, there's of course no huntsman. We're all supposed to learn to obey our mothers and/or run away very fast when a wolf tries to eat us.

Copyright: Sarah Beth Durst, sometime long ago

Monday, December 1, 2008

My Upcoming e-Book

Here's a preview of my upcoming e-Book, "Psyche".

The Unseen Suitor

Psyche woke up. It seemed to be almost sunset. She looked around. The sky seemed alive with shades of light blue, pink, orange, and gold, that streamed through the air, seeming so close that Psyche could reach up and grab it. And then it was as if Psyche was in the colours, for as she looked around she found she was laying in a field of beautiful, bright, almost glittering heaps of flowers and fruit trees. She stood up, rather calmly, suddenly drifting out of the orchard, and found herself rather slowly walking up a pure marble staircase into a flowing hall filled with rich ornaments and tapestries held up by pillars and walls of pure gold, platinum, and silver encrusted with pure, bright, and colourful gems.
As Psyche wandered the colourful mansion, steady voices drifted down the hall, “Welcome, Psyche, to your new home. If you go straight you will find a hot bath and a warm robe, and once you are hungry simply ask and dinner will be served. Afterwards you may explore the gardens and go to bed when you like.” Psyche found herself in a large chamber, and as she undressed, a smooth marble tub at the edge of the room filled with warm, steamy water, and Psyche found herself inside, completely relaxed and calm; worries, and wonders from before melting away. When Psyche rose from her bath, a soft towel appeared at her side, and she dried off and headed to the door of the chamber, where a gleaming and colourful gown appeared. Psyche wrapped the soft cloth around herself, and asked for her dinner.
As Psyche spoke, a golden throne, padded with soft, plush-like cotton cloth, slid to her out of nowhere, and as she sat down a large golden table drifted in front of her. A crystal cup faded into Psyche’s hands and a jug of wine poured into it. The violet liquid touched Psyche’s lips, and tingled on her taste buds, a cool, relaxing sensation of rich fruit: grapes, berries, peaches; and sweet watery apple cider. As Psyche sank back, enjoying her drink, the table was suddenly filled with rich, sweet fruits; delicious, crunchy salads, and warm, fresh-cooked meats. As Psyche sank her teeth
into a warm slice of fresh wheat bread smothered in creamy, melted butter, her goblet refilled mystically. After the most delicious and filling dinner of her life, Psyche wandered down the hall, into warm fading sunshine, and watched the sun disappearing over the soft horizon.
As the moon rose Psyche slipped back into her chamber to a candlelit corner. There, she climbed into a comfortable, soft, feather-stuffed bed, and lay her head on a cool, soft pillow, pulling the warm sheets over her cool body and sank into a calm, relaxing sleep.
When Psyche opened her eyes, she felt the breeze over her shifting warm to cool constantly keeping her completely satisfied and comfy in her warm bed. The candles were out and the soft glow of the moon illuminated the figure that entered the chamber, heading toward the bed. It spoke in a calm, gentle, male voice, “Psyche. Psyche. Welcome to my home. I am your suitor. I have waited so long to see you.” “Who are you,” asked Psyche, and the suitor replied, “I am Love, and Grief, Life, and Death, Destiny, and Light. You have no need to fear me, Psyche. No need at all to fear the one that only seeks to adore you.” “Well then,” said Psyche, “If you are here for beauty to adore…” “No,” interrupted the figure, “I look for beauty, yes, but on the outside, no. I am here for a girl with intelligence, kindness, and love to those who seek it, and I am looking straight at her.”
Psyche felt as if love and fear had melted into her, but as she sank into the kind grasp of her suitor, all her bad thoughts melted away, and she said out loud, “Only the gods could have given me such a godlike suitor,” and she began wondering which one she should thank for it, as the suitor whispered kind, gentle, and loving compliments in her ear. The night drifted on, and Psyche awoke beside her lover, happy and calm. As the sun rose, so did her suitor, and as the first rays of sunlight drifted upon the couple, he vanished into the warm, inviting day.
Psyche awoke warm and happy, and the entire morning danced through the gardens of her new mansion, until she sank into her throne and began eating a fresh, delicious lunch. And that night, after dinner, Psyche blew out the candle, and sank into bed, later accompanied by her new fiancée.

The Green-Eyed Monsters

Psyche woke up every morning happy. She had the perfect life, The perfect home, and the perfect beau. But then there were some bad things. Like how the beau was always hidden in the shadows, and how most of the time she was worried about her father and mother and two sisters. One night, she broached her concerns to her fiancée, “My host, I have been just a bit curious. I don’t really know much about you, like what you look like.” Her fiancee replied, “Psyche, Psyche, how many times have you wished to be invisible, so that you could see if people love you for you or your beauty? The saying goes that seeing’s believing, but what if looks can be deceiving. Trust your heart, Psyche, and what does it say.” Psyche replied, “It says I’m an idiot if I don’t trust you.” Psyche felt as though her soon-to-be husband could see into her soul, and as if he felt exactly like she did. But then there was the family.
“Please, if you could spare it your heart,” Psyche asked. “Anything you wish, Psyche,” replied her caring beau. “I would like for my sisters to come visit us, please,” continued Psyche. “Anything but that,” said Psyche’s lover. “Why not?” asked Psyche. “Because,” the figure said, “I'm afraid they may try to break your trust in me. I don’t trust them.” “Please,” pleaded Psyche, and her fiancee reluctantly agreed, “Okay, Psyche. I can’t refuse you.” And they kissed and went to bed, as the moonlight spread across the sheets.
As soon as Aurora spread over the sky, and the first rays of sunlight flowed through the mansion, Zephyr was quickly flowing through the skies, headed for Psyche’s homeland. And by breakfast, Psyche sat in the orchard, awaiting her sisters to arrive. And sure enough, up high in the clouds, one part of the sky began flashing in brilliant colours and in an instant, Psyche’s startled sisters slowly dropped into the field. They stood up, startled, and then saw Psyche. They ran up to her, hugging and greeting and for moments it was a happy reunion, until Psyche’s sisters saw the mansion.

Psyche’s sisters were amazed, and jealous, and began filling their pockets with jewels, and sinking their teeth into delicious food, and asking questions. Then the eldest asked, “So where is your fiancée, we would love to meet him!” And Psyche answered, “Oh, he goes, um hunting, during the day,” and the middle sister said, “You know Psyche, that’s the first you’ve mentioned him. What are you hiding?” And then Psyche was overcome with questions, “What’s his name,” “Where is he,” and “What does he look like?” and Psyche finally was frustrated, “Listen, all I know is he’s kind and I trust him! He only comes at night, so I can’t see him, but he is kind and loving to me, so I…” “Well, maybe what the Oracle said is true! He must be a monster. He plans to gore you and eat your flesh,” interrupted the eldest. “You are wrong!” shouted Psyche. “Prove It!” blurted the eldest again. A single tear fell from Psyche’s eye. Then, quietly at first, “Get… OUT!!!” And at that, Zephyr swept up Psyche’s sisters in a bright, swirling, mega-mash of gushing wind, and ripped them from the mansion back to their homes.
That night, as Psyche slept, a knock at the door woke her. She hopped from her sleep in surprise, and looking around, could not find her fiancée. She looked to the door, “Who is it?” “It’s me, your husband, Psyche, Open the door!” Psyche walked to the door, wondering, ‘But we aren’t married yet,’ and opened it. In came a fanged serpent exposed in the light! Psyche screamed as the hideous monster curled around her and sank its teeth into her shoulder! Then came an incessant knocking. Psyche awoke screaming from her nightmare. Her fiancée ran in, “Psyche, I hurried when I heard you scream! What’s wrong?” Psyche replied, “Nothing, just a bad dream,” and mumbled to her self out loud, “Husband?” “We aren’t married yet, Psyche!” said the figure, and he wrapped his arms around her, and kissed her, and they went to bed. But Psyche couldn’t sleep.

The God in the Bed

Psyche quietly got out of bed, and grabbed a candle. She picked up a match, struck it, and lit the candle. The poor girl even grabbed a knife. She put the candle above her beau’s head. In the light she saw bundles of golden hair, a handsome face, muscular arms, a slim and muscular body, and two neatly folded pure white wings. Eros! There was a god sleeping in her bed every night! Psyche looked on the floor. On it was a quiver and bow. Inside the quiver was a bundle of golden arrows. Eros suddenly tossed onto his stomach in the bed. Surprised, Psyche hopped up a bit… and her foot fell on an arrow.
Immediately, the poison from the arrow went flowing through Psyche’s body, and soon her heart seemed aflame. Happiness seemed to flow through her veins, as she leaned into bed to her fiancée, the candle fell from Psyche’s hand, falling on Eros’ shoulder. As the burning oil violently seeped through Eros’ darkening skin, he jumped from the bed, suddenly awake. In an instant, the fire was out, and as Psyche’s eyes slowly adjusted to the pitch black darkness, she saw the familiar figure swoop to her and grabbed Psyche’s wrist. Psyche felt her fiancée's lips brush her cheek, before she found herself stumbling to the gardens, as the figure spread his wings. Psyche desperately grabbed his leg, as tears began falling from her eyes.
“Are you happy now that you now your fiancée is handsome enough?” shouted down Eros. Psyche replied, “No, I was happy before!” “Sure. Then why did you just have to see me?” shouted back Eros, as he flew high above the mansion. Psyche shouted, “I… I…” “You doubted me. Why didn’t you listen to your heart like I asked. Love cannot live when the heart doesn’t trust!” With that last word, Eros shook and Psyche fell. As she looked to him she could make out a single tear running from his eye, as he vanished into the sky, with the single whisper, “Sorry” on his lips.
So here was Psyche, falling straight to the ground, crying, unable to hold back these memories. She had mixed feelings: Love for Eros, Hate and
Anger toward her sisters, Sadness toward her abandoning, and Fear towards what might happen next. Psyche felt a sudden jolt of force against her back. The next thing she knew, a little blue jay crawled onto her. Starlight shone on her face. She stood up, and the bird gently leaped into the air. Psyche’s back was a bit stiff. The back of her head was numb. She found she was in the orchard. She ran down the path. Golden pillars caught her eyes. The sun was coming up. The golden rays hit a flower by Psyche. The colorful violet seemed to vanish in the light.
Gusts of wind had suddenly begun to blow. Psyche’s robe shook violently. The trees and coming-into-sight palace began to shake and creak violently in the wind and sunrise. As each ray of light hit something it vanished. The wind ripped and groaned through the orchard and palace, pushing Psyche every which way. Psyche sank to the ground as Zephyr poured through the land furiously, and rays of sun hit the trees and flowers, dissolving them quickly and instantly. Psyche crawled toward the palace, grabbing a golden pillar as the bright twister ripped up the columns, Psyche with them. In a swirling mess of colour, wind, and light, Psyche clung to golden statue of one of the Cupids, and a sudden small sound echoed through the storm. It seemed to say, “Good Bye!”
Psyche felt a sudden jolt of force against her, and looked around. She sat in a wild forest. A lost, baby deer stepped out from the bushes toward the sobbing girl. It licked her shoulder and laid down in the dust beside her. A small smile came to Psyche’s face for a moment, and a pink and yellow winged butterfly came and rested on her shoulder.

Sweet, Sweet Revenge

Psyche wandered two days before arriving, ragged and a bit bruised, in her own city. She looked like a beautiful beggar woman, and after a while the men of the town realized who she was. They took her to the palace where her nurses and maids rushed up to her crying and laughing, and after a short bath, a bit of bandaging, and a nap, Psyche went to her sisters’ chambers and sobbingly told them the whole story in a pitiful, petty tone, adding at the end, “And now that handsome god has probably forgotten me, and is looking for a different girl to marry.” At that Psyche left the room, making groaning sounds, but secretly smiling and counting it down, “3, 2, 1, and…” Instantly the two sisters rushed from their rooms screaming happily. They stumbled down the hall, toward the Oracle’s mount.
The sisters rushed to the peak, hoping for Eros to take them up, and tried to stop at the edge, but as they did, the ledge broke off, and the sisters tumbled down straight to Hades.
After the funeral, Psyche dressed in a beautiful dress, ripping it at the sleeves and the hem, and putting on a veil and showy jewelry. As she left the palace she looked just like a harlot. Psyche went to the Temple of Aphrodite, where she laid rich perfumes and jewels at the alter. These were three things that Aphrodite liked: perfume, jewelry, and what looked like a faithful follower. The Golden Goddess appeared on the alter, “Well, my… Oh it’s you. So you’ve come to win back my boy, huh. Well, you have another thing coming.” “What do you want of me, Aphrodite,” shouted Psyche. The Love Goddess replied, “Revenge. Follow me!” Psyche followed Aphrodite into a large chamber. On the hard floor was a blanket, a little, stone cup of tap water, and a mixed pile of millions of nuts, leaves, and seeds the size of 10 sofas lined up.
“Sort each and every grain by hardness, colour, and type by sunrise or you will never see Eros again,” said Aphrodite. The goddess and Psyche had no idea, but an invisible Eros was watching over Psyche, and had been the whole time. Just because he had broken the engagement, it didn’t mean he
didn’t love her anymore. He was disgusted when he heard his mother’s words. Immediately he flew outside into the dust and spoke into a small anthill.
Psyche sat on the dusty stone floor, the blanket wrapped around her, crying, looking at the seed pile. As she looked to the ground she noticed millions of strange little black seeds she had never noticed. She picked one up, and it moved suddenly. It crawled from her palm and up onto her nose. It sat there a while, and then jumped back to the ground, showing Psyche that the other black spots were also moving. Arranged in hundreds of straight, long, steady lines, the ants crawled in and out of the seed pile, scattering them every where. Psyche watched in awe, wondering if she should stop them, but then she noticed the ants pushing together those fifteen soft, green grass seeds, and then those hard golden sunflower seeds, and then twenty blue berry seeds, and etc. Soon, by midnight, the entire pile was separated into two-hundred fifty-six small piles.
At morning, Psyche awoke to a screaming Aphrodite. In her hissy-fit, the goddess noticed Psyche waking up and rubbing her eyes. She instantly put an unsatisfied, anger face on, and as Psyche’s stomach loudly growled, she said, “Eat and report back to me by noon.” She threw a piece of stale toast at Psyche’s lap.
At noon, Psyche found Aphrodite by the river. The goddess told her, “If you think I shall give up that easily. You are wrong. You think you are just so beautiful. Beautiful enough to rival me. You want the battle, I’ll give you the war. Cross the stream. In a thicket, you will find seven sheep. Gather a basketful of their golden wool for me to use for my new dress. If you don’t die first that is.” After a quick laugh, Aphrodite vanished. Psyche looked at the river. She picked up a flower, and threw it into the water. Instantly the rapid waves and cataracts of the River consumed it in one gulp. The waters rippled at the surface. Then in a wild waves, three naiads* slammed out onto the bank. The river goddesses took the frightened Psyche’s hand and pulled her near to the water. “They will kill you!” the goddesses whispered to Psyche.

Sheep and the Styx

”What?” Psyche gasped at the naiads’ words. “Go home until sunset begins,” said the first naiad, and then the second naiad said, “Then come back, and call to us. We will help you across,” and then the third naiad said, “The sheep will be asleep. Gather their excess wool from the thickets.” Psyche, confusedly replied, “W… Oh… Okay,” and ran away. As the sun began to set. Psyche hurried with a basket to the river. She shouted out, “Naiads of the stream, come unto me!” and instantly, the river swelled and bubbled, and the naiads appeared out of the water. One of them put out their arms, the others circles here and grabbed each other’s hands. They tightened the circled into a ring, which Psyche climbed into, and the naiads ripped through the waters to the far side.
Psyche hopped onto land, and ran into the thicket. As the nettles stuck in her and she began to be cut and bleed, she thought of Eros, and the sharp thistles popped one by one into beautiful ruby red roses. Psyche felt a sudden bolt of energy as a drop of rainbow dew fell from a rose on to her cut. As Psyche hurried through the thickets, huge clumps of golden wool came off the thicket into the basket. In a matter of minutes, Psyche was rushing back to the temple with a basketful of golden wool for Aphrodite.
“So you completed this task also. Well, I already have another one for you,” said Angry Aphrodite. “I want you to go to the Underworld and back...” Psyche muttered between her teeth the words, “Speak of the She-Devil.” “You must bring me back some beauty from Persephone, the Queen of the Underworld, since I have lost some of mine tending to the wound you gave my son!” Psyche balled up her fist slowly, knowing that She-Devil was lying through her teeth.
Psyche woke up early and grabbed a small silver jar from her table. She put on a heavy black cloak, and walked out the door of the temple. Then she thought. How was she to obey this command. She would face the god of death, the ghastly ferryman Charon, the three-headed guardian of the Underworld Cerberus, and the King of Hell himself. Psyche climbed
Aphrodite’s temple, and reached the high tower above Aphrodite’s chamber. She had no choice. Aphrodite had wanted it all along. Psyche was sick of it. She would do Aphrodite’s real wish: for her to go to the Land of the Dead, and never return. Psyche jumped. And as wind flew at and around her, Psyche had these memories that I have so far recorded.
But this isn’t the end. Zephyr was there. As Psyche fell forward, the wind caught her and a familiar voice whispered in her ear, “Psyche.” And then Psyche remembered her nights with Eros, with Love, and he whispered to her how to complete her task. For the ants, and the naiads, were all Eros’ servants, whom he had instructed to help Psyche. Psyche soared to the ground, carried by Zephyr, down to the River Styx. The River Styx was the venomous flowing body of water all the dead had to cross to enter the Underworld.
As walking to the Styx, two forms appeared to escort her. The first was Death, of every age, now as a young winged man, and winged sandal-wearing Hermes, messenger of the gods. Each god took one of Psyche’s arms gently, and flew her down to the water. There, Psyche reached into her pocket, and laid a golden obol coin under her tongue. As she approached the ghastly ferryman Charon he uttered in a grim voice, “Open your mouth.” Psyche opened her mouth and Charon placed a bony finger in her mouth to pick the coin up. Psyche sat in a small, stiff seat on the ferry boat.
Charon climbed in, grabbing a rod with a slightly flat end, and rowed to the other side of the river. Psyche crawled onto land, slowly walking toward the gate. The rusty black bars ended at each side with sharp spear heads, as if to be used to impale any who tried to escape. The gates opened with a slow creak. As Psyche walked through, looking around at the granite and basalt walls and pillars, a sharp, hissing growl came from behind her. She felt easy breathing on her shoulder, and what smelled like rotting corpses. She turned around. There was Cerberus.
There's Chapters 4-8 of my e-Book. See you again soon.


Just so you know, it's pronounced "si-key".

I love this myth. For some reason I'm most attracted to myths about magical quests for love.

Psyche & The Love God (By Lucious Apulieous)

Once Upon a Time, there was a teen princess named Psyche who was extremely good and extremely hot. She was so hot, people said she must be the Love Goddess Aphrodite in human form.

This will be a fun train wreck.

One day, Aphrodite hears everyone saying this and gets so mad, she sends her extremely hot teenage son Cupid to make Psyche fall in love with a donkey.

Told you so.

When Cupid sees Psyche, he falls in love with her himself.

Oh no.

The next day, Psyche goes to the Oracle at Delphi, who tells her she will marry a monster.

Oh no!

Psyche goes up to the high mountain to give herself up to the monster, and the West Wind swoops down and takes her to a magnificent palace where Psyche is waited on hand and foot by day...


...and visited by a kind youth every night. He seduces her, and she comes to love him. His only rule is she never turns the light on when he's there.

Okay! That's fine, right. I mean, Psyche shouldn't have any problem with that, right?!!! Wrong.

Psyche's curiosity gets the best of her, and she lights a lamp one night. She finds her husband, Cupid, sleeping near her.

Blow out the lamp! Quick!

A drop of oil falls from the lamp onto Cupid. He wakes, and, feeling betrayed, flees.

Why excactly does he feel betrayed?

So that's all. That's right where almost all the versions of this story end. Except for the original. Oh, and my version.

Child of Mary

I ran across this tale while reading Children's And Household Tales by the Brothers Grimm.

Our Lady's Child (The Brothers Grimm)

Once Upon A Time, a poor woodcutter can barely afford to feed his only child, a cute, little, three-year-old girl.


One day, the woodcutter meets the Virgin Mary, dressed all in white with a crown of stars on her head.

If I were him, I'd be looking around for any wound his ax might have given him.

Mary tells him that if he lets her take care of his child for him, she will make him rich. The woodcutter agrees, and the Virgin takes the little girl in her arms and takes her up to Heaven.

No, the little girl wasn't dead. Move along.

The girl is brought up with the best virtues.

As opposed to the not-quite-so-good virtues? So does this mean she's kind and brave but has rotten table manners?

One day, years later, Mary tells the girl she's going on a trip and that the girl can open any door she wants, except for one. The girl says she understands, plays with the angels and the Twelve Apostles, and then goes to open the one forbidden door.

I guess Curiosity is one of the best virtues. Common Sense. Not So Much!

The girl turns the knob.

Anyone who knows fairy tales can hear the alarm bells: don't disobey the wise woman!

The girl opens the door. Behind it is God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. She walks in, and the glory of the Trinity turns her skin golden. Mary easily discovers this, and asks the girl if she opened the door.

Don't lie, girl! The lady's a goddess!

The girl lies, and falls out of Heaven into a clearing in a giant forest of thick thorns and nettles. She finds she has lost her voice.

We tried to warn her.

Years later, a Prince is hunting and cuts his way through the thorns. There he finds Mary's child, now a beautiful young woman (and naked).

I can already tell what the Prince here is thinking:... "WOW!"

The Prince takes her home with him. They are married. She has a baby, and that night, Mary comes and gives her another chance to repent. She lies again, and Mary and her child vanish. The third time this happens...

This happens THREE times? And she just keeps sitting there. Is it just me, or is this profoundly disturbing?

...the people shout, "The Queen killed them! She's a witch; A witch, I tells ya! Burn 'er! Burn 'er!!!" The Prince is forced to except this, and his wife is locked up in the slammer. That day, the girl iss taken to the stake, and the wood around it is set on fire.

Mary, if you let your own adopted daughter die, I'm gonna kick your holy ***!!!

The girl suddenly gets her voice back, she shouts, "I did it, Mary, OK!!!" Instantly, buckets and buckets of rain fall on the fire, it goes out, and Mary appears with the three children. The girl takes them back, forgives Mary, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Hey, wait... What about the homicidal goddess? And what happened to the woodcutter, rich but lonely? And how much trauma must those children have suffered? And what sort of marital problems must the king and young queen have after he nearly had her burned at the stake? Happily-ever-after must employ a LOT of therapists...

For more of my highly hilarious faery tale posts:

My Faery Tale Posts!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Iron John

I love this story. It has metallic big-foots, Midas-Touch ponds, and disguised princes. Here it is, the story of:

Iron John (The Brothers Grimm)

A king is troubled when his huntsman begin dissappearing. He finds out there is a giant living in the forest nearby with skin made of iron and iron hair covering his entire body.


The king has the Iron Giant captured and puts it in a large steel cage. No one is to release him under penalty of death.


The King's little son is playing with his gold ball one day, when it falls into the cage. The boy asks for it back and the giant (Iron John) says he will if the Prince frees him. After three days like this, the boy steals the key from under his mother's pillow and frees the giant. The giant gives him his ball, but the Prince decides it wasn't worth it and asks Iron John if he can go with him. John replies yes.

Is this so smart? Going to live with the possible villian? Actually, in this story... it is!

John raises the Prince in the forest as his own son. His only rule is that the Prince make sure nothing touches the Sacred Pool in the centre of the forest. One day, as the Prince is watching the Pool, he cuts himself and mindlessly washes his finger in the pond. Instantly, the skin on his finger turns into thin gold.

I'm no doctor, but that can't be good.

John tells him it's okay but he should be more careful. The next day, as the Prince watches the Pool, one of his hairs falls off into the Pool as he scratches his head. The hair instantly becomes a gold thread. John scolds him.

He should sell the hair.

The next day, he trips and nearly falls in. Only his hair hits the water, and as he leans away from the water, where his long hair was, is a nest of spun gold growing from his gilded scalp.

Awesome. I'd kill him for it.

John tells him that because of this, the Pool is polluted badly, and that he and the Prince must go their seperate ways. The Prince goes to a faraway castle and gets work in the garden. He never takes his hat off, not wanting anyone to know about his hair. One day, the princess asks him to get her some flowers. He gets some wildflowers and gives them to her. The princess asks him to take his hat off, and he refuses, but she takes it off, and it amused to see the mop of gold stream down over his face. She gives him a handful of golden coins.


The Prince gives the money to the gardener and tells him to let his children play with them.


This happens two more times. Later, the city is put under seige by a dark army. The Prince goes to the Pool, bathes in it, and prays. John comes to him with a gold horse, gold uniform, and an entire army of...

Wait for it!

IRON soldiers. The Prince and his army defeat the enemy and are highly praised until they disappeared into the forest. The Prince, dressed as a peasant again, comes back to the palace.

I think he secretly envies Aschenputtel and Cinderella, since they got to dress up for a while and then secretly become peasants again, astounding everyone.

The King decrees there will be a three day festival, and that the princess will throw a golden ball into the air every evening. Any knight who catches it will be given a third of the kingdom after the King's death. The Prince, with help from John, comes to the festival every night dressed in golden armor. The first two days he catches the ball, but runs off right after.

Yay! Go Prince!

The King is angry and decrees that if the Golden Knight does this again, he will be hunted down and killed.

No!!! Hide, Prince!!! Hide!!!

The third day, the Princess throws up the ball, and the Prince catches it and rides away, but the King's Men wound his leg. The next day, the gardener tells the princess that the Prince who worked in the garden had showed the gardener's children three golden balls. The King had the Prince brought before him when he heard this. The Princess removed his cap, and his golden hair streamed down, making him look just like the Handsome Golden Knight.

The mystery solved!

The Prince and Princess are married, and at the wedding, a King, dressed all in iron with a long, shaggy mane of iron-like hair under his iron crown, walked in, and gave his adopted son the Prince a good hug and his blessing.

By the description I just gave, I better not have to explain.

Everyone lived happily ever after.

Aschenputtel (Ash Face)

I ran across this story while researching variants of Cinderella. Trust me. There are millions of variants of Cinderella. Like, every single culture there is has their own fifty variants.

But here it is. The story of:

Aschenputtel (Ash Face) (The Brothers Grimm)

A kind girl's mother dies and is buried under the hazel tree in the garden, which from then on is always in bloom.

Already we have Thing I Love #1: Magic Tree. Awesome.

The girl's father remarries and her new stepmother and two stepsisters are jealous of her beauty and grace and kindness.

Thing I Love #2: Obvious Hatred.

The stepsisters steal the girl's room and stuff. They force her to sleep in the put-out hearth every night, causing her to be stained head to toe with ashes. The stepfamily mocks her by calling her Aschenputtel. Her father doesn't care.

Thing I Hate #1: Her stepsisters abuse her and her own dad actually encourages it.
Also, Aschenputtel means Ash Face.

The stepmother forces Aschenputtel to do all the cooking and cleaning and work around and even outside the house. Her dad still doesn't care. One day, it is proclaimed that the King's Son is throwing a grand three-day ball. Aschenputtel is forced to bathe, dress, and accessorize her sisters. She asks her stepmother if she can go, and get's the answer, "I have emptied two dishes of lentils into the ashes for you, if you have picked them out again in two hours, you shall go with us."

I'm quoting that directly from the book, you know.

Aschenputtel goes to her mothers grave and prays, and whole flocks of birds fly down and do Aschenputtel's task. The stepmother doesn't care, yells at Aschenputtel that she should be ashamed of herself, and leaves to the first night of the ball with her daughters.

Thing I Hate #2: Evil Stepmother Breaks her Promise.

Aschenputtel starts to cry, and goes out to the grave and prays, "Shiver and quiver, little tree, Silver and gold throw down over me." Instantly, she finds herself clothed in silver and golden dresses and wearing slippers of silver and silk.

Thing I Love #3: See Thing I Love #1.

At the ball, Aschenputtel is unnoticed, and the Prince dances with her and no one else the entire night. Then, when the Prince tries to walk her home, she desserts him and hides in the pigeon house.

Thing I love #4: Hot Girl playing Hard-To-Get.

The Prince tells Aschenputtel's father everything, but when they search the pigeon house, Aschenputtel isn't there, since she had quickly gone out the back, changed clothes, and gotten back in the house by the fire, making it look like she couldn't have been the mysterious princess.

Smart girl!

The next night of the ball, everything happens as before, and Aschenputtel goes in a more beautiful dress. When the Prince tries to walk her home, she hides in the paer-tree, but when it's searched, she isn't found. Aschenputtel, dirty and ragged again, is on the hearth again, having done the same as before.

Smart, Smart Girl!!!

The last night of the ball, everything happens as before, and Aschenputtel goes to the ball in an even more beautiful dress and golden slippers. The prince dances with her all night, and when he tries to walk her home, she runs from him quickly, but the Prince had smeared the last step of the staircase down with glue, and one of Aschenputtel's slippers falls off and sticks.

Ah-ha! A plan!

The Prince comes to Aschenputtel's house the next day with the slipper, to try it on any girl living there. The stepsisters...

If you are squemish, please go to another story post. If not, get ready for the grossest thing you will ever hear.

...cut off their heels so that they can fit the slipper.


The first stepsisters tries and succeeds. But as she and the Prince ride off, the birds sing to him to notice there's blood inside the shoe, and he takes the shoe away and kicks the stepsister off his mighty steed. The next sister tries, succeeds, but the Prince hears the bird and sees the blood and kicks this sister off the horse, too. And I quote: "This also is not the right one," said he, "have you no other daughter." "No," said the father, "there is still a little stunted kitchen-wench which my late wife left behind her, but she cannot possibly be the bride."

Hello, you **** ***. That wench is your biological daughter!

Aschenputtel tries the shoe...

I hope they at least cleaned the blood out.

...and it is a perfect fit!


As Aschenputtel rides off into the sunset with the Handsome Prince Charming on his Mighty Steed, two white doves alight on Aschenputtel's shoulders. The two stepsisters chase after Aschenputtel to try and gain her favor, and...

Wait for it!

...the doves peck at her sisters violently.

So everyone, except the newly blind stepsisters, lived happily ever after.

Though I beleive Aschenputtel's father deserves a kick in the shin.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Aladdin and his Wonderful Lamp

I felt I should upload this one so people could tell the real version from the Disney version.

So here's the story of:

Aladdin And His Wonderful Lamp (The 1001 Arabian Nights)

A boy named Aladdin lives with his poor mother in Baghdad.

Thing I Love #1: In "1001 Nights", pretty much everyone lives in Baghdad!

Aladdin is a lasy gambler.

And he's the hero?

One day, a wizard from Morocco walks up to Aladdin and tells the boy he's his uncle. Aladdin takes the man home.

Didn't his mommy ever tell him not to talk to strangers?

The wizard summons a feast with his magic wand and Aladdin and his mom eat til they're full. The wizard takes Aladdin shopping and to etiquite school. Aladdin becomes a (as he probably calls it) "A sofistuh-muhcated noble".

I'm serious. Since he spent all his childhood gambling instead of being educated, he probably makes wood look like Einstein.

One day, the wizard takes him into the Sahara and shows him a rock.

Even though he's not that smart, he's probably thinking, "Uh, Uncle. Do I need to get a strag-ht jakket an' some very nice men with a very pig ned?" (I spelled that wrong on purpose)

The wizard says some weird words and the rock opens up, showing a big underground tunnel. The wizard tells Aladdin to go inside and get an old, dusty brass oil lamp for him.

If I were Aladdin I'd be backing away really slowly.

Aladdin goes inside and finds an orchard of trees bearing what he thinks are "glass apples and berries".

Told you he was dumb.

Aladdin fills his pockets with the jewels and finds the lamp. The wizard refuses to help him out of the tunnel unless he gives him the lamp first. Aladdin refuses.

I think Aladdin is sick. He just did something smart... Call the pediatrician!

The wizard angrily closes Aladdin inside. Aladdin, scared and confused, wrings his hand, hitting a ring the wizard gave him. A djinn appears, and asks him what he would like most right then. He wishes he was home. The djinn grants his wish.

In Arabian Legend, a djinn was an evil spirit tamed by King Solomon. Djinni (the plural form of djinn) were made of "fireless smoke" and when released from their lamp or ring would grant their new friend any wishes the friend wished before going free as a faery. The modern genie is an American inspiration of the Arabian Djinni.

At home, Aladdin shows his mother the jewels and the lamp. He tries to rub the dust off the lamp so he can try to sell it, and another djinn appears. Aladdin wishes he and his mother were filthy rich, and the djinn grants his wish.

Good Aladdin!

Years later, the now rich Aladdin falls in love with the Sultan's daughter, Badroulbadour, and sends his mother as an ambassador to the Sultan to bribe him with the jewels. Sadly, Badroulbadour is engaged to the Grand Vizir.

Badroulbadour. Try saying that 3 times fast. That is, if you can pronounce it. Also, Aladdin is sort-of a pervert since the first time he saw her she was entering the bath-house.

The Sultan says that in three months he will decide if Aladdin or the Vizir is marrying Badroulbadour. After only two months, Aladdin finds out Badroulbadour is just about to marry the Vizir.

If I were Aladdin I'd kick the Sultan in the shin. Or the nuts.

Aladdin has the Djinn put the Vizir in the cold that night, and has him bring Badroulbadour to his mansion that night. Badroulbadour is scared at first.

Not that I don't love a Cupid-and-Psyche scene, but the hero just became the kidnapper.

After a few nights like this, the Vizir has a fever and divorces Badroulbadour.

The kidnapper has won round 1.

The Sultan remembers Aladdin, but still doesn't care he broke his promise.

See the comment I put 2 comments above this one. The one about kicking the Sultan in the unmentionables.

Aladdin has the Djinn summon up forty pure gold vases filled with jewels carried by forty African slaves...

Ah ha! Racists in Baghdad!

...and forty white slaves all wearing the finest clothes. The Sultan is amazed when Aladdin gives him this as a present. He approves of Aladdin wedding the princess. Aladdin woos her.

The kidnapper has won Round 2.

In one day, Aladdin has the djinn create a palace of the finest marble and jewels, and a dome in the middle of the palace made of pure gold and silver with twenty-four diamond/ruby-encrusted windows, and around the palace are stables and grooms and horses and even a red carpet leading from Aladdin's palace to the Sultan's.

I forgot to mention that right before he had the palace built, Aladdin told the Sultan he was going to make a palace that could fit Badroulbadour's beauty. Awwww!

Aladdin and Badroulbadour move into their new palace and live happily ever after.

Just Kidding.

So right after the groom and bride move in, the wizard finds out after all these years that Aladdin isn't dead. And he also knows where Aladdin's new palace is.

Aladdin needs to take a long vacation very soon.

The wizard comes to town dressed as a peddlar and tricks Snow White into biting into the...

Oops! Wrong Story.

Dressed as a traveling salesman, the wizard goes to the palace shouting, "New Lamps For Old Lamps." Badroulbadour, knowing nothing about the magic lamp, and thinking it a deal, trades the magic lamp for a new, non-magic one.

I can't blame Aladdin for not telling her. "Honey, I love you, and the only reason I'm marrying you is because I had my tamed-demon-friend make me look like I'm rich."

At home, the wizard has the djinn send a tornado that bring Badroulbadour's palace, with her and her slaves and syuff in it, to Morocco. He tries to force Badroulbadour to marry him, saying Aladdin is dead.

Bad Djinn!

The Sultan threatens to kill Aladdin if he doesn't find Badroulbadour. Aladdin, stuck in the desert, rubs the ring, and the Ring Djinn appears and takes him to Badroulbadour's palace. Aladdin buys some poison from a nearby apothecary, and tells Badroulbadour what to do. Badroulbadour drugs the wizard's drink that night, he dies, Aladdin gets the lamp, and the Lamp Djinn takes him, Badroulbadour, and the palace back to Baghdad.

Aladdin has one round 3.

Except for the wizard, they all live happily ever after.

At least until the wizard's son comes along and tricks Badroulbadour into wanting a roc's egg, which for some unknown reason pisses off the Djinn. And I'm wondering if Aladdin did ever explain everything to Badroulbadour. Also, a roc is an Arabian-Mythological giant bird.

So there's the true story of Aladdin. Come back later for my next post:
Aschenputtel (Ash Face)

Obscure/Not-So-Obscure Fairy Tales By My Idol

My idol, Sarah Beth Durst, has been writing these funny fairy tale and commentary posts, which is what I'm basing mine on. She is my idol!!! Here are her recent fairy tale posts:

The Wishing-Table, the Gold Donkey, and the Cudgel-in-the-Sack (from the Brothers Grimm)
Jack My Hedgehog (from Andrew Lang's The Green Fairy Book)
Tatterhood (a Norwegian tale from Asbjornsen and Moe)
Molly Whuppie (an English tale)
The Juniper Tree (from the Brothers Grimm)
The Princess in the Chest (a Danish tale from The Pink Fairy Book by Andrew Lang)
The Tinderbox (from Hans Christian Andersen)
Godfather Death (from the Brothers Grimm)
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves (various)
The Devil with the Three Golden Hairs (from the Brothers Grimm)
The Magic Fishbone (from Charles Dickens)
Snow White and Rose Red (from the Brothers Grimm)
Sleeping Beauty and Her Children (from Italo Calvino's Italian Folktales)
Little Red Riding Hood (various)
Mother Holle (from the Brothers Grimm)
The Six Swans (from the Brothers Grimm)
The Seven Ravens (from the Brothers Grimm)
Tam Lin (from Francis James Child's ballads)
Jack-o'-Lantern (an Irish tale)
Thumbelina (from Hans Christian Andersen)
The Blue Belt

They are awesome!!!