The Pink (By the Brothers Grimm)
A queen wishes for a child.
How many fairy tales start with this?!!
An angel comes and tells her she will have a child. She does. God gives him the power of receiving whatever he wishes for.
I'll kill him for the gift.
The evil cook steals him while the Queen is sleeping, and pours chicken blood all over her.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!
The cook accuses the Queen of feeding the baby to wild animals. She is locked up in a tower.
Instead of "Kiss the Cook" I'd make his apron read "Kick the Cook".
The cook makes the boy wish for a giant palace when the boy's old enough to speak.
Or maybe "Kill the Cook".
The cook becomes a lord, and the boy wishes for a hot playmate.
Yes, lots of ineuendo at the end of that sentence. Move along.
The boy grows to adulthood with the cook and his hot best friend. The cook, thinking the wishing boy might kill him, tries to threaten the girl to kill the wishing boy. She can't because she loves him.
Oooh! I smell romance!
She kills a deer instead and cuts out its heart and tongue for proof, and then has the wish boy hide.
What was she planning on doing? Having him hide forever? She must be one of those "beauty, no brains" kind of girls. What happens if he's found? I suddenly picture her saying that line from the FHFIF (Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends) episode AN (Adoptcalypse Now): "It's a Christmas Miracle!
Wish Boy figures out everything and turns the cook into a black-poodle-with-a-gold-collar-that-eats-burning-coals-until-he-burps-fire by wishing.
Awesome!
Then the boy turns his friend into a beautiful pink flower.
That's a reward?
He puts her in his pocket and goes to his dad's palace followed by the black/gold-fire-poodle-thingy. He visits mom by wishing for a ladder that can reach her window. She's been protected by angels the whole time. Then he tells his dad he's a hunter that can catch any thing. The king tells him to prove it. So the boy gets all the hunters of the land into one ginormous circle in the middle of the forest. He leaves one part of the circle open. Then he wishes.
Wait for it!
Then, two-hundred deer come flocking into the circle of big hunters with arrows and guns.
Do I even have to tell you what happens next?
The boy brings back the two-hundred dead deer and there's a feast. The boys reveals who he is to his dad. He turns the poodle-thingy back, and the cook is locked in the deepest, darkest dungeon for the rest of his life. The boy then reveals his beautiful flower, literally, and then figuratively. The court is astonished by his girlfriend's hotness.
In case you didn't get that 2nd to last sentence, it means he showed them the flower then changed her back.
The king and newly released queen die of joy.
See this post for a comment on this: http://sarahbethdurst.blogspot.com/2007/02/obscure-fairy-tale-juniper-tree.html
The Wishing-Boy and the Flower-Girl get married and live happily ever after.
Showing posts with label Grimm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grimm. Show all posts
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
The Rabbit's Bride
I ran across this funny story while reading "Household Tales: By the Bros. Grimm" this morning.
The Hare's Bride (from the Brothers Grimm)
Once Upon a Time, a girl is told by her mother to go shoo away a rabbit that's eating their lettuce. This happens three times...
There it is again! The famous 3!!!
...and finally the girl agrees to go with the rabbit to his cave.
What? What did she do? Did I miss a page? I MUST have missed something!
The rabbit forces her to marry him, and she's angry at the wedding. All the rabbit family comes.
My friends, Jake and Willy Grimm, are way too subtle to say it, but Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, Piglet, Eeyore, Kanga, and Roo also came to Rabby's wedding.
The girl's bored, and makes a dummy that looks like her, puts it in her place, and goes home.
Rabbit's been Punk'd!
Rabbit comes to check on his new wife, and when she won't listen to him or talk to him, he hits her. The girl, really the dummy, falls over. Rabbit thinks he's accidentally killed her.
Bad Girl! Also, I can imagine seeing a rabbit with a long, full bag over his shoulder, digging a secret grave over by an old, deserted road. Hm!
So there's the odd story of the Rabbit's Bride, a regect episode from "The Adventures of Winnie The Pooh".
The Hare's Bride (from the Brothers Grimm)
Once Upon a Time, a girl is told by her mother to go shoo away a rabbit that's eating their lettuce. This happens three times...
There it is again! The famous 3!!!
...and finally the girl agrees to go with the rabbit to his cave.
What? What did she do? Did I miss a page? I MUST have missed something!
The rabbit forces her to marry him, and she's angry at the wedding. All the rabbit family comes.
My friends, Jake and Willy Grimm, are way too subtle to say it, but Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, Piglet, Eeyore, Kanga, and Roo also came to Rabby's wedding.
The girl's bored, and makes a dummy that looks like her, puts it in her place, and goes home.
Rabbit's been Punk'd!
Rabbit comes to check on his new wife, and when she won't listen to him or talk to him, he hits her. The girl, really the dummy, falls over. Rabbit thinks he's accidentally killed her.
Bad Girl! Also, I can imagine seeing a rabbit with a long, full bag over his shoulder, digging a secret grave over by an old, deserted road. Hm!
So there's the odd story of the Rabbit's Bride, a regect episode from "The Adventures of Winnie The Pooh".
Friday, December 5, 2008
Hello, Peoples of America
Please subscribe to my newsletter! I'm begging you! (The instructions for doing that are at the left)
I recently did three awesome things!
Okay. "Awesome" is an understatement. Like a The-Beast-Was-Furry kind of understantment. A Cinderella-was-definitly-not-a-tomboy kind of understatement. Snow-White-had-mental-problems kind of understatement.
Anyways!:
* Finished my e-Book "Psyche".
* Filed a legal restraining order against a classmate.
* Finished the script for my first edition of "Grimm".
The first edition of it is two of the Grimm Bros fairy tales:
Aschenputtel and Frau Hulda.
Aschenputtel is live action, but Frau Hulda is stop-motion. And the most fanta-bul-osti-cash-ous thing is that...
Wait for it!
Frau Hulda is done!!!
And because of this...
Get ready for it:
Snoopy.
Dance.
Of Joy.
And Supreme Happiness.
I recently did three awesome things!
Okay. "Awesome" is an understatement. Like a The-Beast-Was-Furry kind of understantment. A Cinderella-was-definitly-not-a-tomboy kind of understatement. Snow-White-had-mental-problems kind of understatement.
Anyways!:
* Finished my e-Book "Psyche".
* Filed a legal restraining order against a classmate.
* Finished the script for my first edition of "Grimm".
The first edition of it is two of the Grimm Bros fairy tales:
Aschenputtel and Frau Hulda.
Aschenputtel is live action, but Frau Hulda is stop-motion. And the most fanta-bul-osti-cash-ous thing is that...
Wait for it!
Frau Hulda is done!!!
And because of this...
Get ready for it:
Snoopy.
Dance.
Of Joy.
And Supreme Happiness.
Sarah Beth D., if you're reading this (I hope you are) go to the next post down. I answered your comment there. Also, everyone, check out all my posts!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
King Thrushbeard
King Thrushbeard (By the Brothers Grimm)
Once Upon A Time... there's this hot but spoiled princess who insults everyone, including a handsome suitor with a pointy chin. She teases him by calling him, "King Beakbeard", or "King Thrushbeard". Her father, sick of it, declares that the next man she insults will be her husband.
Fair.
The next day, the princess insults an ugly musician. The next day he takes her to the countryside as his new wife.
Okay, now it's a bit harsh.
She has to weave baskets, but cuts herself with the material and has to go sell pottery.
Ow.
She refuses to set up by the "filthy peasants" and sets up in the middle of the road.
Um, does she have anything upstairs?
A drunk soldier rides through her stand and crushes the pottery. She has to take a job in the palace kitchen, and finds out that the palace belongs to King Thrushbeard. She finally humbles herself, and one day has to clean the halls during a wedding feast for the King.
She could be marrying him if she had been humble before.
The King comes in and takes her into the ball room. There, she tries to escape, but he reveals that the musician was really him in disguise. He did it all to humble her. She tries to run again, knowing that with all he'd done, she isn't worthy to marry such a good and determined man. But he holds her tight, they are married, and live happily ever after.
Good fable.
Once Upon A Time... there's this hot but spoiled princess who insults everyone, including a handsome suitor with a pointy chin. She teases him by calling him, "King Beakbeard", or "King Thrushbeard". Her father, sick of it, declares that the next man she insults will be her husband.
Fair.
The next day, the princess insults an ugly musician. The next day he takes her to the countryside as his new wife.
Okay, now it's a bit harsh.
She has to weave baskets, but cuts herself with the material and has to go sell pottery.
Ow.
She refuses to set up by the "filthy peasants" and sets up in the middle of the road.
Um, does she have anything upstairs?
A drunk soldier rides through her stand and crushes the pottery. She has to take a job in the palace kitchen, and finds out that the palace belongs to King Thrushbeard. She finally humbles herself, and one day has to clean the halls during a wedding feast for the King.
She could be marrying him if she had been humble before.
The King comes in and takes her into the ball room. There, she tries to escape, but he reveals that the musician was really him in disguise. He did it all to humble her. She tries to run again, knowing that with all he'd done, she isn't worthy to marry such a good and determined man. But he holds her tight, they are married, and live happily ever after.
Good fable.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
The Devil And His Grandmother
The Devil And His Grandmother (By the Brothers Grimm)
Once Upon A Time, there is this huge war, and the captain of this army doesn't pay his soldiers. Two soldiers, tired of being nearly killed just to be paid nothing a day, abandon camp, kidnapping the drummer boy, since he threatened to squeal on 'em.
You see, there's an entire awesome chase scene implied in these simple actions. I'm picturing snow mobiles and jumping from planes with a screaming boy and the cursing captain and helpers closing in on them.
The tired soldiers camp in a cornfield intending to escape at dawn. But the next morning, they find that they are surrounded by their comrad soldiers.
I'm thinking their plan had a few flaws.
The soldiers stay their three days, and are extremely hungry.
Understatement of the Year.
Suddenly, Beelzebub appears and gives them a magic whip saying that in three years he would come back and ask them some riddles and if they don't answer them right, their souls are his. Then he transports them into a far away village.
Okay, the big scene was much longer than how I summarized it. PS. Beelzebub is the Jewish Prince of Hell. Basically the Devil's best friend.
The three soldiers take turns using the magic whip. Every time they use it, a pound of cash appears in front of them.
Could I please borrow that whip?
Right before the three years are up, Beelzebub comes back to the soldiers and reminds them of the deal they had. The drummer boy, still the smartest of the group, goes down to Hell. There he meets Beelezebub's grandma.
I love the idea of a demon's grandmother as a character. What does she think of her grandson's occupation? Does she boast about him to the ladies at the senior center? Does she still have the crayon drawings that he did in preschool? Does she knit him embarrassing sweaters for the holidays? (Do any grandmothers actually do that outside of novels?)
The grandmother is sweet and tells the boy to hide in the cellar. At noon, Beelzebub comes home and Granny asks him about the riddles. He tells Granny the answers, and the drummer boy eavesdrops. When Beelzebub goes to bed, the boy goes back home. When Beelzebub comes and gives the riddles, the boy answers and answers correctly. The soldiers, happy they beat the Demon Prince, whip up cash until the earth spews golden magma.
Wow!
They all live happily ever after.
Except Beelzebub, who is plotting revenge on the soldiers' descendents.
Once Upon A Time, there is this huge war, and the captain of this army doesn't pay his soldiers. Two soldiers, tired of being nearly killed just to be paid nothing a day, abandon camp, kidnapping the drummer boy, since he threatened to squeal on 'em.
You see, there's an entire awesome chase scene implied in these simple actions. I'm picturing snow mobiles and jumping from planes with a screaming boy and the cursing captain and helpers closing in on them.
The tired soldiers camp in a cornfield intending to escape at dawn. But the next morning, they find that they are surrounded by their comrad soldiers.
I'm thinking their plan had a few flaws.
The soldiers stay their three days, and are extremely hungry.
Understatement of the Year.
Suddenly, Beelzebub appears and gives them a magic whip saying that in three years he would come back and ask them some riddles and if they don't answer them right, their souls are his. Then he transports them into a far away village.
Okay, the big scene was much longer than how I summarized it. PS. Beelzebub is the Jewish Prince of Hell. Basically the Devil's best friend.
The three soldiers take turns using the magic whip. Every time they use it, a pound of cash appears in front of them.
Could I please borrow that whip?
Right before the three years are up, Beelzebub comes back to the soldiers and reminds them of the deal they had. The drummer boy, still the smartest of the group, goes down to Hell. There he meets Beelezebub's grandma.
I love the idea of a demon's grandmother as a character. What does she think of her grandson's occupation? Does she boast about him to the ladies at the senior center? Does she still have the crayon drawings that he did in preschool? Does she knit him embarrassing sweaters for the holidays? (Do any grandmothers actually do that outside of novels?)
The grandmother is sweet and tells the boy to hide in the cellar. At noon, Beelzebub comes home and Granny asks him about the riddles. He tells Granny the answers, and the drummer boy eavesdrops. When Beelzebub goes to bed, the boy goes back home. When Beelzebub comes and gives the riddles, the boy answers and answers correctly. The soldiers, happy they beat the Demon Prince, whip up cash until the earth spews golden magma.
Wow!
They all live happily ever after.
Except Beelzebub, who is plotting revenge on the soldiers' descendents.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Child of Mary
I ran across this tale while reading Children's And Household Tales by the Brothers Grimm.
Our Lady's Child (The Brothers Grimm)
Once Upon A Time, a poor woodcutter can barely afford to feed his only child, a cute, little, three-year-old girl.
Aaawwwwwwwwwwww!
One day, the woodcutter meets the Virgin Mary, dressed all in white with a crown of stars on her head.
If I were him, I'd be looking around for any wound his ax might have given him.
Mary tells him that if he lets her take care of his child for him, she will make him rich. The woodcutter agrees, and the Virgin takes the little girl in her arms and takes her up to Heaven.
No, the little girl wasn't dead. Move along.
The girl is brought up with the best virtues.
As opposed to the not-quite-so-good virtues? So does this mean she's kind and brave but has rotten table manners?
One day, years later, Mary tells the girl she's going on a trip and that the girl can open any door she wants, except for one. The girl says she understands, plays with the angels and the Twelve Apostles, and then goes to open the one forbidden door.
I guess Curiosity is one of the best virtues. Common Sense. Not So Much!
The girl turns the knob.
Anyone who knows fairy tales can hear the alarm bells: don't disobey the wise woman!
The girl opens the door. Behind it is God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. She walks in, and the glory of the Trinity turns her skin golden. Mary easily discovers this, and asks the girl if she opened the door.
Don't lie, girl! The lady's a goddess!
The girl lies, and falls out of Heaven into a clearing in a giant forest of thick thorns and nettles. She finds she has lost her voice.
We tried to warn her.
Years later, a Prince is hunting and cuts his way through the thorns. There he finds Mary's child, now a beautiful young woman (and naked).
I can already tell what the Prince here is thinking:... "WOW!"
The Prince takes her home with him. They are married. She has a baby, and that night, Mary comes and gives her another chance to repent. She lies again, and Mary and her child vanish. The third time this happens...
This happens THREE times? And she just keeps sitting there. Is it just me, or is this profoundly disturbing?
...the people shout, "The Queen killed them! She's a witch; A witch, I tells ya! Burn 'er! Burn 'er!!!" The Prince is forced to except this, and his wife is locked up in the slammer. That day, the girl iss taken to the stake, and the wood around it is set on fire.
Mary, if you let your own adopted daughter die, I'm gonna kick your holy ***!!!
The girl suddenly gets her voice back, she shouts, "I did it, Mary, OK!!!" Instantly, buckets and buckets of rain fall on the fire, it goes out, and Mary appears with the three children. The girl takes them back, forgives Mary, and everyone lives happily ever after.
Hey, wait... What about the homicidal goddess? And what happened to the woodcutter, rich but lonely? And how much trauma must those children have suffered? And what sort of marital problems must the king and young queen have after he nearly had her burned at the stake? Happily-ever-after must employ a LOT of therapists...
For more of my highly hilarious faery tale posts:
My Faery Tale Posts!
Our Lady's Child (The Brothers Grimm)
Once Upon A Time, a poor woodcutter can barely afford to feed his only child, a cute, little, three-year-old girl.
Aaawwwwwwwwwwww!
One day, the woodcutter meets the Virgin Mary, dressed all in white with a crown of stars on her head.
If I were him, I'd be looking around for any wound his ax might have given him.
Mary tells him that if he lets her take care of his child for him, she will make him rich. The woodcutter agrees, and the Virgin takes the little girl in her arms and takes her up to Heaven.
No, the little girl wasn't dead. Move along.
The girl is brought up with the best virtues.
As opposed to the not-quite-so-good virtues? So does this mean she's kind and brave but has rotten table manners?
One day, years later, Mary tells the girl she's going on a trip and that the girl can open any door she wants, except for one. The girl says she understands, plays with the angels and the Twelve Apostles, and then goes to open the one forbidden door.
I guess Curiosity is one of the best virtues. Common Sense. Not So Much!
The girl turns the knob.
Anyone who knows fairy tales can hear the alarm bells: don't disobey the wise woman!
The girl opens the door. Behind it is God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. She walks in, and the glory of the Trinity turns her skin golden. Mary easily discovers this, and asks the girl if she opened the door.
Don't lie, girl! The lady's a goddess!
The girl lies, and falls out of Heaven into a clearing in a giant forest of thick thorns and nettles. She finds she has lost her voice.
We tried to warn her.
Years later, a Prince is hunting and cuts his way through the thorns. There he finds Mary's child, now a beautiful young woman (and naked).
I can already tell what the Prince here is thinking:... "WOW!"
The Prince takes her home with him. They are married. She has a baby, and that night, Mary comes and gives her another chance to repent. She lies again, and Mary and her child vanish. The third time this happens...
This happens THREE times? And she just keeps sitting there. Is it just me, or is this profoundly disturbing?
...the people shout, "The Queen killed them! She's a witch; A witch, I tells ya! Burn 'er! Burn 'er!!!" The Prince is forced to except this, and his wife is locked up in the slammer. That day, the girl iss taken to the stake, and the wood around it is set on fire.
Mary, if you let your own adopted daughter die, I'm gonna kick your holy ***!!!
The girl suddenly gets her voice back, she shouts, "I did it, Mary, OK!!!" Instantly, buckets and buckets of rain fall on the fire, it goes out, and Mary appears with the three children. The girl takes them back, forgives Mary, and everyone lives happily ever after.
Hey, wait... What about the homicidal goddess? And what happened to the woodcutter, rich but lonely? And how much trauma must those children have suffered? And what sort of marital problems must the king and young queen have after he nearly had her burned at the stake? Happily-ever-after must employ a LOT of therapists...
For more of my highly hilarious faery tale posts:
My Faery Tale Posts!
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Iron John
I love this story. It has metallic big-foots, Midas-Touch ponds, and disguised princes. Here it is, the story of:
Iron John (The Brothers Grimm)
A king is troubled when his huntsman begin dissappearing. He finds out there is a giant living in the forest nearby with skin made of iron and iron hair covering his entire body.
Wow.
The king has the Iron Giant captured and puts it in a large steel cage. No one is to release him under penalty of death.
Woooooooooww!!!
The King's little son is playing with his gold ball one day, when it falls into the cage. The boy asks for it back and the giant (Iron John) says he will if the Prince frees him. After three days like this, the boy steals the key from under his mother's pillow and frees the giant. The giant gives him his ball, but the Prince decides it wasn't worth it and asks Iron John if he can go with him. John replies yes.
Is this so smart? Going to live with the possible villian? Actually, in this story... it is!
John raises the Prince in the forest as his own son. His only rule is that the Prince make sure nothing touches the Sacred Pool in the centre of the forest. One day, as the Prince is watching the Pool, he cuts himself and mindlessly washes his finger in the pond. Instantly, the skin on his finger turns into thin gold.
I'm no doctor, but that can't be good.
John tells him it's okay but he should be more careful. The next day, as the Prince watches the Pool, one of his hairs falls off into the Pool as he scratches his head. The hair instantly becomes a gold thread. John scolds him.
He should sell the hair.
The next day, he trips and nearly falls in. Only his hair hits the water, and as he leans away from the water, where his long hair was, is a nest of spun gold growing from his gilded scalp.
Awesome. I'd kill him for it.
John tells him that because of this, the Pool is polluted badly, and that he and the Prince must go their seperate ways. The Prince goes to a faraway castle and gets work in the garden. He never takes his hat off, not wanting anyone to know about his hair. One day, the princess asks him to get her some flowers. He gets some wildflowers and gives them to her. The princess asks him to take his hat off, and he refuses, but she takes it off, and it amused to see the mop of gold stream down over his face. She gives him a handful of golden coins.
Wow!
The Prince gives the money to the gardener and tells him to let his children play with them.
Oooooooookaaay?!!
This happens two more times. Later, the city is put under seige by a dark army. The Prince goes to the Pool, bathes in it, and prays. John comes to him with a gold horse, gold uniform, and an entire army of...
Wait for it!
IRON soldiers. The Prince and his army defeat the enemy and are highly praised until they disappeared into the forest. The Prince, dressed as a peasant again, comes back to the palace.
I think he secretly envies Aschenputtel and Cinderella, since they got to dress up for a while and then secretly become peasants again, astounding everyone.
The King decrees there will be a three day festival, and that the princess will throw a golden ball into the air every evening. Any knight who catches it will be given a third of the kingdom after the King's death. The Prince, with help from John, comes to the festival every night dressed in golden armor. The first two days he catches the ball, but runs off right after.
Yay! Go Prince!
The King is angry and decrees that if the Golden Knight does this again, he will be hunted down and killed.
No!!! Hide, Prince!!! Hide!!!
The third day, the Princess throws up the ball, and the Prince catches it and rides away, but the King's Men wound his leg. The next day, the gardener tells the princess that the Prince who worked in the garden had showed the gardener's children three golden balls. The King had the Prince brought before him when he heard this. The Princess removed his cap, and his golden hair streamed down, making him look just like the Handsome Golden Knight.
The mystery solved!
The Prince and Princess are married, and at the wedding, a King, dressed all in iron with a long, shaggy mane of iron-like hair under his iron crown, walked in, and gave his adopted son the Prince a good hug and his blessing.
By the description I just gave, I better not have to explain.
Everyone lived happily ever after.
Iron John (The Brothers Grimm)
A king is troubled when his huntsman begin dissappearing. He finds out there is a giant living in the forest nearby with skin made of iron and iron hair covering his entire body.
Wow.
The king has the Iron Giant captured and puts it in a large steel cage. No one is to release him under penalty of death.
Woooooooooww!!!
The King's little son is playing with his gold ball one day, when it falls into the cage. The boy asks for it back and the giant (Iron John) says he will if the Prince frees him. After three days like this, the boy steals the key from under his mother's pillow and frees the giant. The giant gives him his ball, but the Prince decides it wasn't worth it and asks Iron John if he can go with him. John replies yes.
Is this so smart? Going to live with the possible villian? Actually, in this story... it is!
John raises the Prince in the forest as his own son. His only rule is that the Prince make sure nothing touches the Sacred Pool in the centre of the forest. One day, as the Prince is watching the Pool, he cuts himself and mindlessly washes his finger in the pond. Instantly, the skin on his finger turns into thin gold.
I'm no doctor, but that can't be good.
John tells him it's okay but he should be more careful. The next day, as the Prince watches the Pool, one of his hairs falls off into the Pool as he scratches his head. The hair instantly becomes a gold thread. John scolds him.
He should sell the hair.
The next day, he trips and nearly falls in. Only his hair hits the water, and as he leans away from the water, where his long hair was, is a nest of spun gold growing from his gilded scalp.
Awesome. I'd kill him for it.
John tells him that because of this, the Pool is polluted badly, and that he and the Prince must go their seperate ways. The Prince goes to a faraway castle and gets work in the garden. He never takes his hat off, not wanting anyone to know about his hair. One day, the princess asks him to get her some flowers. He gets some wildflowers and gives them to her. The princess asks him to take his hat off, and he refuses, but she takes it off, and it amused to see the mop of gold stream down over his face. She gives him a handful of golden coins.
Wow!
The Prince gives the money to the gardener and tells him to let his children play with them.
Oooooooookaaay?!!
This happens two more times. Later, the city is put under seige by a dark army. The Prince goes to the Pool, bathes in it, and prays. John comes to him with a gold horse, gold uniform, and an entire army of...
Wait for it!
IRON soldiers. The Prince and his army defeat the enemy and are highly praised until they disappeared into the forest. The Prince, dressed as a peasant again, comes back to the palace.
I think he secretly envies Aschenputtel and Cinderella, since they got to dress up for a while and then secretly become peasants again, astounding everyone.
The King decrees there will be a three day festival, and that the princess will throw a golden ball into the air every evening. Any knight who catches it will be given a third of the kingdom after the King's death. The Prince, with help from John, comes to the festival every night dressed in golden armor. The first two days he catches the ball, but runs off right after.
Yay! Go Prince!
The King is angry and decrees that if the Golden Knight does this again, he will be hunted down and killed.
No!!! Hide, Prince!!! Hide!!!
The third day, the Princess throws up the ball, and the Prince catches it and rides away, but the King's Men wound his leg. The next day, the gardener tells the princess that the Prince who worked in the garden had showed the gardener's children three golden balls. The King had the Prince brought before him when he heard this. The Princess removed his cap, and his golden hair streamed down, making him look just like the Handsome Golden Knight.
The mystery solved!
The Prince and Princess are married, and at the wedding, a King, dressed all in iron with a long, shaggy mane of iron-like hair under his iron crown, walked in, and gave his adopted son the Prince a good hug and his blessing.
By the description I just gave, I better not have to explain.
Everyone lived happily ever after.
Aschenputtel (Ash Face)
I ran across this story while researching variants of Cinderella. Trust me. There are millions of variants of Cinderella. Like, every single culture there is has their own fifty variants.
But here it is. The story of:
Aschenputtel (Ash Face) (The Brothers Grimm)
But here it is. The story of:
Aschenputtel (Ash Face) (The Brothers Grimm)
A kind girl's mother dies and is buried under the hazel tree in the garden, which from then on is always in bloom.
Already we have Thing I Love #1: Magic Tree. Awesome.
The girl's father remarries and her new stepmother and two stepsisters are jealous of her beauty and grace and kindness.
Thing I Love #2: Obvious Hatred.
The stepsisters steal the girl's room and stuff. They force her to sleep in the put-out hearth every night, causing her to be stained head to toe with ashes. The stepfamily mocks her by calling her Aschenputtel. Her father doesn't care.
Thing I Hate #1: Her stepsisters abuse her and her own dad actually encourages it.
Also, Aschenputtel means Ash Face.
The stepmother forces Aschenputtel to do all the cooking and cleaning and work around and even outside the house. Her dad still doesn't care. One day, it is proclaimed that the King's Son is throwing a grand three-day ball. Aschenputtel is forced to bathe, dress, and accessorize her sisters. She asks her stepmother if she can go, and get's the answer, "I have emptied two dishes of lentils into the ashes for you, if you have picked them out again in two hours, you shall go with us."
I'm quoting that directly from the book, you know.
Aschenputtel goes to her mothers grave and prays, and whole flocks of birds fly down and do Aschenputtel's task. The stepmother doesn't care, yells at Aschenputtel that she should be ashamed of herself, and leaves to the first night of the ball with her daughters.
Thing I Hate #2: Evil Stepmother Breaks her Promise.
Aschenputtel starts to cry, and goes out to the grave and prays, "Shiver and quiver, little tree, Silver and gold throw down over me." Instantly, she finds herself clothed in silver and golden dresses and wearing slippers of silver and silk.
Thing I Love #3: See Thing I Love #1.
At the ball, Aschenputtel is unnoticed, and the Prince dances with her and no one else the entire night. Then, when the Prince tries to walk her home, she desserts him and hides in the pigeon house.
Thing I love #4: Hot Girl playing Hard-To-Get.
The Prince tells Aschenputtel's father everything, but when they search the pigeon house, Aschenputtel isn't there, since she had quickly gone out the back, changed clothes, and gotten back in the house by the fire, making it look like she couldn't have been the mysterious princess.
Smart girl!
The next night of the ball, everything happens as before, and Aschenputtel goes in a more beautiful dress. When the Prince tries to walk her home, she hides in the paer-tree, but when it's searched, she isn't found. Aschenputtel, dirty and ragged again, is on the hearth again, having done the same as before.
Smart, Smart Girl!!!
The last night of the ball, everything happens as before, and Aschenputtel goes to the ball in an even more beautiful dress and golden slippers. The prince dances with her all night, and when he tries to walk her home, she runs from him quickly, but the Prince had smeared the last step of the staircase down with glue, and one of Aschenputtel's slippers falls off and sticks.
Ah-ha! A plan!
The Prince comes to Aschenputtel's house the next day with the slipper, to try it on any girl living there. The stepsisters...
If you are squemish, please go to another story post. If not, get ready for the grossest thing you will ever hear.
...cut off their heels so that they can fit the slipper.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!
The first stepsisters tries and succeeds. But as she and the Prince ride off, the birds sing to him to notice there's blood inside the shoe, and he takes the shoe away and kicks the stepsister off his mighty steed. The next sister tries, succeeds, but the Prince hears the bird and sees the blood and kicks this sister off the horse, too. And I quote: "This also is not the right one," said he, "have you no other daughter." "No," said the father, "there is still a little stunted kitchen-wench which my late wife left behind her, but she cannot possibly be the bride."
Hello, you **** ***. That wench is your biological daughter!
Aschenputtel tries the shoe...
I hope they at least cleaned the blood out.
...and it is a perfect fit!
Yay!
As Aschenputtel rides off into the sunset with the Handsome Prince Charming on his Mighty Steed, two white doves alight on Aschenputtel's shoulders. The two stepsisters chase after Aschenputtel to try and gain her favor, and...
Wait for it!
...the doves peck at her sisters violently.
So everyone, except the newly blind stepsisters, lived happily ever after.
Though I beleive Aschenputtel's father deserves a kick in the shin.
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